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Bitcoin reached an ATH of $124,457 on Aug. 14. Ethereum touched the $4,788 zone. 📈 (But let’s be real, it’s still 2021’s ghost haunting the market.)

“Oh sure,” says Novogratz, “people dreaming of Bitcoin hitting a cool million next year? Those fools don’t know that’s only if everything at home goes belly up faster than you can say ‘toilet paper shortage.’” He shuffles his papers and adds, “I’d prefer a sleepy, boring BTC if the economy was a well-behaved puppy, not a rabid Tasmanian devil.” Basically, the man’s saying, ‘Let’s not dance on the edge of a financial volcano just yet.’

Apparently, the charts are forming a “double top.” A “double top,” you say? Sounds dreadfully vulgar. It means the price tried to be cheerful twice, bumped its head on $335 both times, and is now contemplating a rather depressing downward spiral. It’s all so terribly predictable, isn’t it? And, naturally, slipping below $300-$310 is causing a bit of a flutter amongst the investors. Such frightful sensitivity!

Imagine, if you will, the exuberance if this investor, in a moment of bold resolve, decides to part with the windfall! A return of approximately 14,269 times the investment at present valuations is no small feat! The wallet, as mysterious as a witch’s delivery, showed no sign of life since Ethereum valued the investment during its inaugural fundraising – a celebration almost as grand as the Sun King’s banquet – before the Ethereum network proudly stepped onto the stage on July 30, 2015, marking ten years in glistening glory.

August 8th, a day forever etched in crypto history-or at least in meme compilations-saw the Ripple vs SEC saga end in a shrug, with a $125 million fine still sitting pretty. The dismissal is like telling the regulator, “Nope, XRP on exchanges? Not a security.” Institutional sales? Well, they’re still in the naughty corner. But at least the general public can breathe a sigh of relief and maybe, just maybe, get some ETFs to fill their portfolios, assuming the SEC doesn’t suddenly change its mind like a hormonal teenager.

In a move that’s equal parts daring and somewhat reckless, S&P Dow Jones teamed up with Centrifuge – not because they want to spin you around, but to create the first tokenized S&P 500 fund. Think of it as slipping your index into a smart contract, which is as futuristic as it sounds, and probably a little less fun. This “proof-of-index” tech basically takes official S&P 500 data and embeds it into blockchain contracts, because who doesn’t want their stocks managed by what sounds like a robot reading a finance textbook?

The U.S. Solana staking ETF ($SSK) has had its finest hour, recording a staggering $13 million in fresh inflows and a volume that would make any trader’s heart skip a beat-over $60 million in a single day. This is no small feat; it’s the kind of trading activity that whispers of a new era, where Solana is not just a player but a contender in the regulated financial world. 🏆

But let us not forget the ERC20 stablecoins, those industrious little bees, have swarmed to a hive of $128.7 billion-a nectarous reservoir of liquidity ripe for the plundering. As the on-chain oracle CryptoOnchain mused (with all the gravitas of a prophet sipping lukewarm coffee), this is but the overture to an altseason symphony, where Bitcoin’s dominance may soon be drowned out by the crescendo of altcoin cacophony.

Crypto exchange Gemini decided to play matchmaker between your crypto and your sanity. They unveiled the Gemini Wallet, a self-custody smart wallet that claims to make on-chain interactions simpler. Because nothing says “user-friendly” like eliminating recovery phrases and replacing them with passkeys. The announcement was posted on Gemini’s official X account, where the community responded with a mix of awe and confusion (because crypto is still magic to most people).

According to CoinMarketCap, these memecoins have dropped by at least 10% in the past seven days. Someone cue the sad violin music. 🎻