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Once hailed as the champion of the individual’s financial rebellion, crypto now whispers sweet nothings into the ear of tyrants and terrorists. Hamas, with a grin, solicits crypto donations-presumably believing the world is too distracted to notice the line between charity and chaos. Meanwhile, North Korea’s Lazarus Group-famed hackers, or perhaps just the neighborhood bullies-raids digital wallets as if life itself depended on it, siphoning billions, a cozy dinner party for cyber-spooks fueled by untraceable funds. And so, the cycle continues, faster than you can say “sanctions breach.”

In an August 9th post on X, KillaXBT dropped some wisdom about Bitcoin’s recent price antics. Apparently, BTC started the month strong, flipping the monthly open at $115,752 into support-a move traders love to call “bullish.” Sounds great, right? But wait! There’s always a catch in this crypto circus. Historically, Bitcoin likes to play tricks during new months, wicking up or down before settling into its groove. Traders have even given this phenomenon a name: the “monthly open trap.” So while everyone’s crossing their fingers for a sustained uptrend, there’s still the looming possibility of a sneaky retracement. 🎭

But, here’s the kicker: these banks must conjure up a cool $50 million in capital-because apparently, billionaires are the only ones worthy of monkeying around with digital gold. Once licensed, they’ll cater to “accredited investors”-or as they’re called here, the ‘sophisticated elite’-offering services like custody, trading, and perhaps even… running as Bitcoin banks. Yes, you heard that right: banks that run entirely on Bitcoin. Imagine the chaos! 🤡

The drama unfolded on X (a letter, a mystery, a social-media Sphinx), where BlackRock’s spokesperson tried to extinguish flickering hope with a simple “not at this time.” Geraci, the sly fox, avoided debating reality like one avoids mayonnaise at a fine luncheon, but he let slip his conviction: XRP’s metamorphosis into an ETF is as inevitable as a moth to a Nabokovian flame. Or a moth to a Tesla-choose your century.

So, these 10x Research guys have this “tactical altcoin model”-sounds fancy, right? It’s basically a way to see where the money’s going. And since, oh, early July, it’s been screaming “Altcoins! Altcoins!” louder than my mother-in-law. This beats their previous record from November 2024 (25 days – a mere blip!) and March 2025 (19 days – *pfft*!). Apparently, Bitcoin’s losing its share of the pie, while the whole crypto market is getting fatter. That means more money for everyone…except maybe Bitcoin. 🤪

Ripple’s token, XRP, is like that one friend who shows up at parties unpredictable AF. In July, it skyrocketed 60% in a week, hitting an all-time high of $3.65. But then, like any good drama queen, it retraced back toward $2.7 before bouncing back above $3. Right now, it’s chilling at $3.25, which has the crypto Twitterati and full-time XRP stans screaming “MOON!” louder than Elon Musk during a SpaceX launch.

The primary aim of this collaboration, as far as one can tell, is to reduce what they call “counterparty risk.” For those not in the know, this is the sort of risk that keeps you awake at night, wondering if your money will still be there when you wake up. Ever since the great FTX fiasco of 2022, where billions were lost and many a man’s hair turned prematurely white, investors have been clamoring for more secure options. Enter BBVA, with its strong “name recognition,” which, in layman’s terms, means that people trust it because they’ve seen its name on a lot of buildings and advertisements.

The venerable Harvard, darling, has decided to dip its perfectly manicured toes into the crypto pool. Through its endowment, managed by the oh-so-clever Harvard Management Company (HMC), they’ve embraced a diversified strategy-private equity, hedge funds, and now, the wild child of finance, Bitcoin. How très chic! 🕶️

In true resignation-letter fashion, Bo waxed poetic about his time serving under President Trump and alongside “our brilliant AI & Crypto Czar” David Sacks. (Brilliant? Sure. But let’s not forget, this is the guy who once compared crypto regulation to… well, something very important, I’m sure.) Bo declared that their work had positioned America as “the crypto capital of the world.” Bold claim, Bo. Does that come with free NFTs for everyone? 🌟

This whimsical organization, famed for playing the role of a general partner in a peculiar parade of private investing adventures, was at it again! They gleefully welcomed in-kind digital assets into their treasure trove, as if they were inviting unsuspecting children into a candy shop! 🍬