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Even Friday’s weaker-than-expected payroll numbers-which should’ve been great news for anyone hoping for a dovish Fed pivot-couldn’t stop the mass exodus. Over $1 billion fled on Friday alone, because apparently nobody wants to stick around when things get “too real.” But hey, let’s not call this a full-blown meltdown just yet. CoinShares suggests people might just be cashing in their chips after all those winning streaks. Call it profit-taking or call it panic; either way, it’s less “end of days” and more “spring cleaning.” 🧹💸

Behind the wizard’s curtain-if markets were a pantomime, and let’s face it, sometimes they absolutely are-Wintermute has been busy. Busy doing what, you ask? Well, mostly betting that a lot of your favorite digital shinies are going to fall harder than a buttered bread landing butter side down.

And yet, the true spectacle lies not in its ascent, but in its stubborn refusal to yield. Closing above the sacred $3, it has carved a higher low, a testament to its unyielding spirit. In a market as stagnant as a Dostoevskian tavern at dawn, XRP stands as a beacon of defiance, a lone rebel crying out against the silence. Its surge above $3 is no accident-it is a manifesto, a revalidation of its bullish destiny. 🌩️

Once reigning supreme with control over 6% of Bitcoin’s entire computational power, LuBian vanished into the ether-or rather, into the obscurity of a cyber breach-early in 2021. It was whispered that regulatory pressures had cast them into exile, but recent insights reveal a different tale: that of a cybercriminal enterprise that brazenly plundered the digital vaults without so much as a “please” or “thank you.” Oh, what a world! 🔓🕷️

Once a proud voice crying “Ban all digital nonsense!” in 2016, Marine Le Pen’s political trajectory has about as much consistency as a French baguette. Now, she supports turning nuclear plants into Bitcoin mines-who knew history could be so… volatile? Her party’s not just making a U-turn; it’s vaulting over the turnstile with gusto, proposing legislation to slap mining rigs onto Électricité de France’s nuclear sites. Irony? Check. Sarcasm? Loaded. Emojis? You bet. 🥖🔌💻

The act, in its infinite wisdom, forbids stablecoin issuers from offering yield. 🛑 No interest for you, dear investor, whether retail or institutional. Temujin Louie, the sage CEO of Wanchain, warns against blind celebration. “A victory?” he muses. “Perhaps, but one that leaves a bitter aftertaste, for it shields the money market funds from competition.” 🛡️

In the grand theater of finance, Trump’s tariff announcements have historically sent both stock and crypto markets into a delightful frenzy. And guess what? This time is no different! BeInCrypto has donned its detective hat to analyze three U.S.-made coins that might just take you on a rollercoaster ride of price swings. 🎢

Bitcoin is doing its jitterbug again, wiggling between liquidation guardrails like a nervous worm on a tightrope. The number to watch? A devilishly tempting $116,000. Will it sweep through like a tornado or fizzle out like a damp firecracker? Who knows! 🌪️💥

Ah, yes, the PI Network team has been busy too—slashing mining rates to levels so low they make a snail’s pace look like a NASCAR race. The idea? Slow token inflation. But here’s the kicker: August rolled in with over 19 million PI entering circulation, continuing July’s unlock extravaganza. Prices? Let’s just say they’re not exactly throwing ticker-tape parades.

The saga began on July 15, when an enterprising scoundrel discovered that Arcadia’s smart contract was as secure as a chocolate teapot. They gratefully relieved the protocol of $3.5 million in stablecoins (plus a side of laundered-to-go Ether) before anyone could say, “Wait, we audited this… right?” 🤔