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It begins as all tragic comedies do, with a stray password and a heavy sigh. According to the legendary scribes at The Times of India, Rahul Agarwal—staff member, laptop enthusiast, and possible sleepwalker—found his credentials used in a midnight caper worthy of Dostoevsky, but with less vodka. He now sits in the care of Bengaluru police, his name shadowed by the spectral sum of ₹379-crore, while the $44 million in question cavorts gleefully across a dozen crypto wallets.

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Imagine, if you will, Sequans, a proud semiconductor manufacturer hailing from Paris, once peering confidently into the future, only to find its stock price plunging faster than a soufflé in an open oven. Their audacious partnership with Swan, raising a hefty $384 million—more than MicroStrategy’s modest step—now echoes back as a ghost of capitulation. Investors expected a gold mine; instead, they got a landslide.

There was little surprise—none, really—at Jerome Powell’s strategic monologue on Wednesday, yet bitcoin, that stubborn creature, plunged approximately 1.7% to just shy of $116K. Like some tragic hero, it fell after Powell’s announcement that rates would remain static. But lo and behold, almost a full day later, it clawed its way back to the mighty $118K threshold, as if to mock the very notion of certainty.

Bitcoin, bless its wild heart, might just hoof it up to $150,000 before the leaves finish fallin’ in October, if you reckon by those halving-cycle whatnots.

Blockchain sleuths at Arkham—yes, like the asylum, but for crypto—confirmed that each wallet had been gifted 50 BTC back in April 2010. Back then, Bitcoin was trading for fractions of a cent, and mining a block on your grandma’s laptop cost less than a cup of coffee. Ah, the good old days, when 50 BTC was just a fun little bonus and not a down payment on a small country. ☕💻

Our hero tweeted (because where else would he save the day?) a Matrix-esque digital rain, whispering sweet nothings about Donald Trump’s campaign vow to turn America into the “crypto superpower of the world.” Naturally, the crypto crowd lost their minds—in the best way—like kids who just found out there’s cake, and not just a website about cake.

This ascent, dear friends, is no mere accident but part of a carefully orchestrated “pre-launch” symphony that began on April 1st—a date that some might call suspiciously close to April Fools’ Day. Yet here we are, witnessing what can only be described as the financial equivalent of watching paint dry—but with emojis! 🖌️✨ The presale and pre-launch phases have been nothing short of miraculous, allowing Husky Inu to raise funds like a street performer collecting coins in a hat. Except this hat now holds over $863,000. Bravo!

Yep, you read that right. Tether’s not just throwing darts at a board—they’re playing 4D chess with $127 billion in U.S. Treasuries. Their latest attestation report, verified by the fancy folks at BDO, confirms the $4.9 billion net profit. And get this: they issued $13.4 billion in USDT during Q2 alone. That’s more money than I’ve seen in my entire life, and I once found a $20 bill in a pair of old jeans. 🧢💸

A list of facts so dry, they’d make a librarian weep. But fear not! Here’s the drama: Grayscale is now the ultimate gatekeeper of intellectual property, because nothing says “innovation” like charging fees for the right to use someone else’s ideas. 🤡