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According to SlowMist—the blockchain sleuths who spend their Fridays solving mysteries (bless ‘em)—this solana-pumpfun-bot commotion was hosted by some enterprising soul known as “zldp2002.” He dressed his repo up all pretty to look like a real, honest-to-goodness open-source tool, then stood back and waited for folks to hand over their keys faster than a greenhorn in a shell game. It took only one poor soul yelling, “Where’s my darned money?” before SlowMist caught wind and started snooping around.

So, here’s the thing: RUBx is built on the Tron blockchain, and—wait for it—it’s actually backed by real rubles. Because what’s better than a virtual coin that’s totally tied to actual money? Nothing. Each RUBx is equivalent to a ruble. Simple, right? Except that the only issuer of this coin is Rostec, a massive state-owned tech conglomerate with ties to the military and everything else in Russia. Oh, and let’s not forget that these rubles come with legal guarantees, because, of course, everything is perfectly above board in Russia, always. 👀

This cheeky little purchase is just the beginning of their grand scheme to get hold of a whopping 5% to 10% of BNB’s circulating treasure! Their plan? A dizzying dash to gather a billion sparkling dollars for their crypto hoard. And how do they propose to fund this fairy tale? By rustling up $500 million through some snazzy convertible notes and private placements—like pulling rabbits out of hats! 🎩🐇

The Brussels Criminal Court court has sentenced three kidnappers to 12 years in prison for the abduction of the wife of crypto investor and trading coach Stéphane Winkel, as initially reported by local news agency La Dernière Heure.

So here we are, a billion XRP unfurled into the wild, and 700 million snugly back in re-lockdown, like a kid sneaking back into the candy jar. Whale Alert, that ever-watchful giant of the sea—or is it the blockchain?—made sure we all caught wind of this little escapade, and XRPwallets chimed in like an eager chorus in a barnyard singalong. The July cycle? Closed, they declared, as if the shop door had been bolted behind them.

What once was a tempest of wild speculation now resembles a stifled sigh, with Bitcoin languishing near its celestial heights while embracing an almost embarrassing stability—an awkward transition from the caprices of youth to the steady grip of matronly respectability.

Panic, drama, and enough speculation to drown an accountant! What wizardry or devilment could this mean for our beloved market? Is it the Second Coming of Satoshi, or merely an old babushka cashing out before her bridge club?

Kiyosaki, that great Cassandra of the crypto world, has long prophesied that Bitcoin shall reach the dizzying heights of $1 million per coin in the 2030s. And, like a modern-day Jeremiah, he rails against the folly of those who would entrust their life savings to the tender mercies of the US dollar.

An enterprising speculator—a hungry soul who, perhaps, might have spent his energies better in a potato field—established a market upon this very question. Victory would be determined, not by gun or ballot, but by the cold, unfeeling evidence of photo or video: Was Zelenskyy in a suit, yes or no, from May 22 to June 30? By some fevered miracle of modern civilization, humanity wagered close to $79 million upon this pressing mystery. Initially, the verdict came: Yes, Zelenskyy wore The Suit. Cue celebratory vodka shots. But, as any Russian will tell you, consensus is but a shadow: the outcome was soon contested, and the squabbling persists in endless, bureaucratic splendor. 🍸🪖

But fear not, dear investor, for this event is a mere trifle compared to last week’s end-of-month shenanigans. It’s unlikely to cause a ripple in the spot markets, unless, of course, the economic data from the US decides to throw a tantrum 🤯.