qfx Ethereum, that ever-so-charming proof-of-stake network, demands validators stake their precious ETH and lock it up tighter than a miser’s wallet. But now? They’re lining up to bail faster than a bad Tinder date. According to Everstake, the exit queue has “absolutely surged” (read: panic stations).
MARA Holdings, Inc. (Nasdaq: MARA), those delightful purveyors of virtual wealth, have come forth to announce plans to gather up $850 million through a most private gathering of zero-coupon convertible senior notes. These shiny goblets of finance shall bear no interest, but come due in 2032—because who doesn’t enjoy a bit of waiting? Fancy an additional $150 million? Well, they might just throw that in like a pittance after all!
And lo, on-chain data speaks louder than price prophets: 1.35 million transactions on July 21! A carnival of commerce, a symphony of micropayments! 🎪 Can a market top truly bloom while the ledger thrums with such vigor? Ask the void.
So, these very serious people – at the Bank of New York Mellon (catchy, right?) and Goldman Sachs (still sounds vaguely sinister) – have decided that $7.07 trillion worth of money market funds isn’t moving fast enough. It needs to be… *tokenized*. It’s like they’re turning money into Pokémon cards. “Gotta catch ‘em all!” Except instead of trading Charizards, you’re trading… fractional ownership of something you’ll probably never understand. As of July 16, 2025, apparently this was a thing. It’s 2024 as I write this, and I suspect they just made that date up to sound more important.
When it comes to investments, they’re tossing coins at Bitdeer, CityPay, and Crystal Intelligence—each with about as much certainty as a cat staring at a laser pointer. 🐱💸
Bessent’s latest move is as thrilling as a spreadsheet audit, claiming the Fed needs “deeper scrutiny” after its budget ballooned to 4x its 2004 self. Spoiler: This isn’t about fiscal responsibility. It’s about power, prestige, and the existential dread of a central bank that’s basically a 24/7 money wizard 🧙♂️.
Flare (FLR) has finally broken free from the long-term descending wedge that had been keeping it in check since early 2025. Imagine a prisoner escaping after months of confinement—only to find that the world outside is much more exciting! 🚪✨
Indeed, the move by this fund management firm coincides with the grand entrance of Wall Street titans—Goldman Sachs, BNY, and JPMorgan—into the tokenized assets market, a realm now teeming with the likes of BlackRock, Fidelity, and Franklin Templeton, who have all donned the garb of innovation. 🏦💸
Here’s the genius part: Profusa will sell shares at roughly 97% of the lowest five-day average price—because nobody likes to buy at the peak. All proceeds from these shindigs will go straight to buying more Bitcoin, unless they dip below a modest $5 million cash buffer, in which case they’ll just… yeah, buy more Bitcoin anyway. Because of course they will.
On the twenty-second of July, the American exchange, with the solemnity of a tsar issuing a decree, added BankrCoin (BNKR), Jito Staked SOL (JITOSOL), and Metaplex (MPLX) to its sacred “roadmap.” These tokens now tremble on the threshold of glory—or obscurity—awaiting the exchange’s final nod.
