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A Bloomberg scoop revealed a peculiar offshoot in the verdant forests of Malaysia, or lack thereof-the Forest City, where crypto meets citizenship under one roof. 🎩✨

Apparently, this is all about “blockchain payment transformation” which, to me, sounds like someone took all the buzzwords from 2017 and just threw them at a wall. Global supply chains, you see, are apparently *dying* for a little disruption. And blockchain is here to save them. Or something.

In news more trustworthy than your group chat’s crypto advice, TopMob reports Falcon Finance launched a $10 million insurance fund in their USD1 stablecoin. Why? For glorious things like “transparency,” “risk management,” and, presumably, fewer panic attacks when crypto does what crypto does best (which is, you know, sudden financial interpretive dance performances).

According to the oracles at XRPSCAN, a staggering 11,729,984 XRP tokens have been shackled in the automated market maker (AMM) pools of the XRPL as of August 28. A number so precise, one might suspect it was plucked from the dreams of a mathematician. 🤓 But precision, alas, does not equate to prosperity. The liquidity, once a roaring torrent, has dwindled to a mere trickle, reminiscent of November 2024-a time so recent, yet so distant in the annals of crypto chaos. 🕰️

Fiat currencies clutch their pearls, stablecoins cling to relevance, and billionaires, ever adaptable species, scuttle across the floor, flipping their fortunes into crypto like poker chips. Unlimited money printing-the source of many a champagne brunch-becomes a tale for grandchildren. Bitcoin, announces Balaji (with a twinkle that might be madness), emerges as the “government of governments,” a bureaucrat’s worst nightmare in code-unconcerned with passport colors or presidential hairdos.

Since the twilight of the 20th century, intrepid Americans have been permitted to traverse the digital bazaars of registered offshore platforms, a practice as old as the FBOT registry itself. Acting CFTC Director Caroline Pham, with the solemnity of a prophetess, proclaimed:

It was a dance of numbers, worthy of Moscow salons: the technical model depicted DOT tiptoeing to the support at $3.81, then-after a dramatic pause-marching upward to $4.02. Volume: 4.6 million, the sort of sum that would make a 19th-century banker faint with pleasure (or terror). 🍸

According to the gods of news at TopMob, over $1.5 billion-yes, that’s billion with a ‘b’-of liquid staked bitcoin (BTC) has decided to pack its bags and check into the Solana DeFi hotel. \nUnlike the usual bitcoin derivatives-which, frankly, have about as much personality as a damp sock-LBTC promises an elegant yield of roughly 1%, all neatly denominated in Bitcoin itself. Fancy that! This means BTC holders can, if they’re feeling particularly daring, put their assets to work in Solana’s lightning-fast, budget-friendly playground. 🎢

Behold! The six-month rolling volatility of Bitcoin hath plummeted from a wild 60% to a mere 30%, a feat so astonishing it would make even the most stoic of Cossack generals weep with joy. Now, Bitcoin is but twice as volatile as gold-though one might argue it’s still more erratic than a drunk poet at a tavern. 🧸

On Thursday, August 28, Solana’s DeFi TVL hit $11.725 billion, practically kissing its all-time high from January. And yet, SOL’s price is hanging out at $200, like it’s in no rush to catch up. How charming.