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In a move that screams “I’ve definitely got this under control,” Lee took to X (formerly Twitter, formerly the place where people said interesting things) to suggest that Ether was about to stabilize after a $200 billion market-wide meltdown. Yes, you read that right-two hundred billion dollars evaporated faster than a puddle in Ankh-Morpork during a heatwave. Meanwhile, Fundstray’s Mark Newton chimed in with some optimism, claiming the current levels are a golden opportunity. Apparently, if ETH can cling to $4,300 like a cat to a windowsill, we’ll see prices rebound toward the $5,100-$5,450 range.

The latest filing suggests that shares of this trust will grace a US national exchange-but alas, Bitwise hasn’t quite decided which stage to strut them upon. The document waltzes through the usual creation and redemption dance, mentioning both in-kind and cash transactions via a charmingly named “Trust-Directed Trade” system, all overseen by the prime execution agent, naturally. 🍸

Some ex-banker, calling himself “@LordBelgrave” (sounds like a spy movie villain), drops a nugget about leaking Ripple’s NDA involving UBS. The kicker? They’re talking about “Biometric Identity Mapping.” Yeah, connecting your face, fingerprint, whatever, to your bank account. Because, apparently, XRP’s not just about moving money anymore-they’re building the ultimate identity surveillance system. CEO Garlinghouse was warning us about government control, but surprise-this seems to be the real game. Healthcare? Already hooked up. Six thousand pharmacies will be accepting XRP, because what could possibly go wrong?

Yet, the shadows of uncertainty gathered, for the Binance Estimated Leverage Ratio (ELR) on ETH had climbed to dizzying heights, whispering of audacious bets and impending turmoil in the market’s theater. 📉

On August 25, XRP clung to a precarious perch near $2.92, just above the crucial support levels of $2.86-$2.88. The ceiling, however, remained stubbornly fixed around $3.05-$3.12, creating a symmetrical triangle on the four-hour chart that seemed to mock the patience of traders. Analysts, with their usual blend of caution and optimism, noted that this compression was a delicate dance between bulls at the base and bears lurking overhead.

The native cryptocurrency of Pi Network, once a proud steed, now limps like a lame donkey, its price plunging to $0.33, the lowest since the dawn of time. Its market cap, once grand, now dwarfs only the ambitions of a beggar, at $2.6 billion. A tragedy fit for Gogol himself!

Crypto Banter, that modern prophet of financial chaos, yells into the void about coins lurking in the shadows, waiting for their moment to dazzle or devastate. It’s as if the market itself is a madman, muttering promises of glory before plunging into eternal night.

As reported by the esteemed chronicler SoSoValue, the ETFs-once forsaken like a dowry-less debutante-found favor once more. This followed a six-day exile of outflows, during which investors fled as if escaping a poorly ventilated ballroom. 🏃💨

Back in 2018, our intrepid prognosticator declared Bitcoin would reach $250,000 within four years-a timeline as fleeting as a summer romance. Four years passed, then five, then six… yet Draper, like a particularly stubborn tumbleweed, clings to his forecast with the tenacity of a cat in a room full of laser pointers. 💀 Even the 2022 crash, which reduced Bitcoin to a weeping toddler at $16,000, could not extinguish his delusions of grandeur. “Progress!” he cries, as if the universe owes him a favor. 🕰️

Apparently, the launch was a masterstroke, luring swarms of new users into Gemini’s cozy digital lair, boosting its app above Coinbase in the U.S. App Store’s finance chart-a plot twist in an industry long held hostage by the giant. Meanwhile, Gemini’s clever minions teamed up with select retailers-probably those who still haven’t heard of QR codes-to promise up to 10% back in XRP. Immediate rewards, because who wants to wait for credits when you could be spending it all in a frenzy of impulsive delight? 🚀💳