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It’s apparently forming something called an “inverse head and shoulders pattern.” Which, if you’re over thirty, is not to be confused with whatever your chiropractor did to you last Tuesday. Javon Marks, who I assume is a crypto analyst and not my childhood orthodontist, assures us that this means Shiba Inu could surge 540%. Sure, Javon. Maybe next it will do my taxes.

Bitcoin’s [BTC] September voyage began not with triumph, but with the clanging bells of calamity. 🛎️

Technically speaking, SHIB continues to trade within a wide symmetrical triangle pattern, its price hovering around the quaint sum of $0.0000123. For months, this structure has been evolving, much like a slow-burning romance in a novel, showing a narrowing range as traders wait with bated breath for a clear move. Alas, the issue facing SHIB is that the network’s fundamentals have become as unreliable as a broken clock. With token circulation and transaction volume plummeting, the price momentum has begun to wane, much like a forgotten fad from last season.

Between August 18 and 24, Strategy’s coffers swelled with Bitcoin, purchased at an average price of $115,829 per coin. The SEC, that watchful sentinel of markets, bore witness to this transaction, which now leaves the company clutching a staggering 632,457 BTC. At last check, that’s enough to make even Warren Buffett raise an eyebrow-or perhaps two.

The Solana blockchain, once the darling of the now-infamous Sam Bankman-Fried, suffered a fall from grace more dramatic than a character in a Dostoevsky novel. Yet, like a phoenix from the ashes of FTX’s collapse, it has risen again, finding solace in the arms of memecoin enthusiasts and DeFi dreamers. 🦅✨

Ethereum (ETH), apparently, has managed to seduce Bitmine’s crypto strategists not by wearing the finest silks, but by simply playing reliable host for stablecoins, DeFi, and all things that can be tokenized-like one’s patience. According to Adriano Feria, scribbling furiously on X, the decision to crowbar Ethereum into the centerpiece role was less random than your uncle’s karaoke song at midnight.

The divine Lucie, a beacon of sense in a world of nonsense, has taken to her platform to spell it out for the slower members of the party. Her advice, which one must assume was delivered with a raised eyebrow and a sigh of exasperation, is to simply avoid any link that promises a secret soiree or a private preview of the upgrade.

With more views than a Vegas buffet and viral clips that make you question humanity’s priorities, this trio is on a mission to make poker “more accessible and culturally relevant.” 🌍✨ Because nothing says “cultural relevance” like bluffing your way through a high-stakes game while wearing sunglasses indoors. John Scanlon, COO of CoinPoker, chimed in with the kind of corporate speak that makes you want to fold immediately: “We’re partnering with top-tier talent to make poker more entertaining and authentic than ever.” Authentic? Sure, Jan. 🤷♂️

Lo and behold! Ethereum (ETH) is en route to claim its most splendid third quarter since its birthing pains back in 2015. A performance so dazzling, it makes other cryptocurrencies envious, as they nibble their nails with longing.

On some cyber-throne, Buterin shares his thoughts via Farcaster, launching a volley of criticism. Prediction markets, he asserts, are as useful for hedgers as a bucket with no bottom. Their flaw is blindingly simple: these platforms lack the juicy interest-bearing trinkets of ‘real’ finance. Users must surrender the sweet taste of yields, trading the sturdy bread of bonds for the sawdust of speculation. No wonder they attract only gamblers and the mathematically ambitious-hedging here is as effective as wearing a raincoat in the Sahara.