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In the grand circus of the crypto ETF market, it was a day of rebounds and milestones—or, as the clowns would say, “Look! Shiny numbers!” Bitcoin ETFs, after three days of looking like they’d lost their marbles, finally found them under the sofa cushion, pulling in $226.61 million. Ether ETFs, meanwhile, kept their winning streak alive, adding $231.23 million and sashaying past the $20 billion mark. Ta-da! 🎪✨

Bitcoin, the venerable patriarch of the crypto world, has had its moment. A new ‘all-time high’, bless its predictable heart. But the discerning eye – the eye of a Mike Novogratz, to be precise, CEO of Galaxy Digital, and a man whose pronouncements are treated with the solemnity usually reserved for papal bulls – detects a more… refined potential in Ethereum. A rally, he opines, is imminent. Short-term, naturally. One wouldn’t want to appear *too* prescient.

In a bold announcement, Empery Digital revealed they’ve been trading in short-dated put options at $115,000, $116,000, and $117,000 — a crafty little plan that means they could snag more Bitcoin on the cheap while also filling their wallets with option premiums! 💰 Cha-ching!

The hack has affected nine user accounts so far, none belonging to the company itself—ah, how convenient, sparing the overlords while the peasants suffer. WOO X has halted all withdrawals temporarily to stem the bleeding, a move that will persist until their internal inquisition concludes. In an official statement dripping with rehearsed sincerity, the exchange has reached out to the victims and promised full compensation for any illicit thefts, as if such gestures could erase the sting of betrayal in this cold, algorithmic world. 😠

This “TradingShot” individual – whose credentials, one suspects, involve a worrying amount of time staring at charts and a profound belief in the predictive power of vaguely geometric shapes – posits that this cylinder thingy means Dogecoin could, theoretically, achieve the dizzying heights of $1.50. Which, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t a lot. Unless you bought a lot of Dogecoin when it was practically free. In which case, congratulations. You’ve stumbled into a financial anomaly. 🥳

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In yet another plot twist that shows crypto is not merely a passing fancy, Aaron Kirman, the grand poobah of one of Christie’s branches, officially opened the gates to this new department. His take? This hasn’t been a spur-of-the-moment whim; it’s been brewing longer than a strong cup of Earl Grey. ☕️

Yep, Galaxy Digital reportedly moved 11,000 BTC (that’s BILLION with a B) and yanked over $1.15 billion in USDT from exchanges. Not exactly subtle, is it? This isn’t the first time they’ve been dumping Bitcoin like last week’s leftovers. In fact, since mid-July, there’s been a steady stream of BTC flowing out of Galaxy’s coffers, all while Novogratz kept chirping about how Bitcoin was going to the moon. 🌕🙄

On the 24th of July, Elon Musk indicated that the X-owned video app Vine would return with a focus on ‘AI-form’, triggering the Vine coin [VINE] rally. 🧠💸

JUST IN: ARTHUR HAYES ADDS 2.16M $ENA TO WALLET, NOW HOLDS $3.73M IN TOKENS