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Of course, some explanations for this spike are as clear as mud, but the analysts are still warning us to brace for impact. 🚀💥

A recently unearthed 12-page tome, as thrilling as one of those tedious Victorian novels filled with complex relations and drawn-out sentences, has ignited a flicker of optimism within the industry’s bosom. This document, laden with guidance, should ideally clarify disclosure and operational expectations for crypto asset funds. It seems the SEC is begrudgingly accepting these peculiar instruments as legitimate components of the financial landscape. Matt Hougan from Bitwise has declared this a “milestone moment,” as if the mere acknowledgment of digital assets might lead to them donning top hats and attending garden parties amongst their traditional market counterparts.

So, back in June, there were reports that Linqto was on the verge of bankruptcy 🚨. And, of course, Mr. Rosendin just had to go and fan the flames with some false info about his company, CapSign, holding $4.7 million of Ripple 💸. Because, you know, who needs facts when you can just make stuff up? 🤷‍♀️

Their website, perhaps written by a Tolstoyan character with too much time in the drawing room, declares proudly: “SSK is the first U.S.-listed ETF that gives you exposure to Solana (SOL), enhanced by staking rewards innate to the blockchain. Built by REX-Osprey, SSK unlocks staking rewards through the ease and transparency of the ETF structure.” One imagines Rostov, fortune lost at cards, nodding appreciatively at any mention of ‘exposure’ or ‘ease’.

According to a report by the AP (because who doesn’t love a good Associated Press story?), the hackers targeted Brazil’s PIX payment system. For those who don’t know, PIX is like the Venmo of Brazil – but instead of just sending your roommate money for rent, you can send millions of dollars to hackers. Convenient, right? 🤑

Bitcoin, in its infinite wisdom, managed to close above not one, but TWO significant levels over the past few days, notching its highest weekly close in history. Apparently, the crypto king has decided to aim for a return to its old playground, the $109,000 territory, after flirting with this area for a solid four days. But don’t get too excited; it’s just a warm-up.

As can scarcely surprise anyone with a proper fortune, crypto stocks and the shares of those intrepid modern miners—publicly listed Bitcoin mining folk—have likewise endured notable misfortunes. The whole affair is, in every possible sense of the word, a rout.

Mr. van de Poppe, ever the keen observer, has his eye on the TOTAL chart, a metric that tracks the market cap of all digital assets, excluding those pesky stablecoins. He assures his followers that TOTAL is poised for a “massive breakout” after a series of higher lows since the dawn of 2024. In his own words:

On a Thursday both gray and humid (as ever), Southwark Crown Court became the arena. Twelve years, the state declared, would suffice: Five years and four months for Bedi, six years and six months for Mavanga. One cannot ascend to crypto heaven without first passing through the underworld—and Judge Griffiths played the ferryman, coinless and stern.

A technical analysis shared by @CryptoGem10xx illuminates SEI’s behavior on the weekly timeframe, where the token has been consolidating above long-standing support. Price action suggests the asset is approaching a pivotal resistance near the $0.28 zone, a threshold that, if reclaimed, could spark a larger breakout, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.