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Cue Credible, the pseudonymous crypto wizard who has 475,400 followers hanging on his every word on X (formerly Twitter, formerly the place where people posted pictures of their breakfast). In true guru fashion, he’s waving his Elliott Wave magic wand and declaring that Bitcoin needs to stay above a “crucial price area” to spark a five-wave rally toward $150,000. Yes, you read that right-$150k. 🤑

But wait-two on-chain indicators are doing the cha-cha of bullish divergences. Coincidence? No. The universe is trying to whisper to us. 🧠✨

According to the announcement, these funds are absolutely crucial to making sure President Donald Trump can turn the United States into the crypto capital of the world. And let me tell you, if there’s one thing Trump loves, it’s being the best at something-especially when it involves making things bigger and better. 🌟 Moreover, President Trump has apparently delivered on several crypto promises since his re-election for a second term. Who knew he was such a tech-savvy dude? 😱

Back in the dim and distant May, the funds had been frozen tighter than a miser’s purse during a flash sale-courtesy of a hearing over a class-action lawsuit. That was, until February, when the Libra token, which had all the glamorous trappings of a rogue’s gallery, decided to blow up faster than a fireworks factory. The judge, ever the pragmatist, made sure the punters’ victims could still get their reparations, and the accused’s hopes of floating away with the cash seemed to weaken considerably, all amidst the legal mumbo jumbo that Law360 happily served up. 🍿📜

But wait, there’s more! The Chain’s Total Value Locked (TVL) has skyrocketed to a staggering $13.4 billion, the highest since 2022, which is a bit like finding out your favorite restaurant has suddenly become a Michelin-starred establishment. Active addresses are buzzing like a caffeinated Zaphod Beeblebrox, reinforcing the notion that this coin might just be the next big thing in the cosmic dance of cryptocurrency.

Reports from Bloomberg reveal that Hayes has sunk a considerable sum into a stem cell company, where he has been a loyal customer for over a year. This mysterious clinic, operating in both Mexico and Bangkok, offers infusions designed to stretch not just lifespans but also the boundaries of human hubris. In a moment of profound existential clarity-or perhaps sheer vanity-Hayes declared, “I want to live as long as possible, as healthy as possible.” Ah, who wouldn’t? He’s so convinced of this fountain-of-youth scheme that he’s joined the board of the company, though its name remains shrouded in secrecy due to a rebranding process. How delightfully cryptic!

In this age of uncertainty, a glimmer of hope hath been observed among BTC enthusiasts on Binance, the preeminent haven for crypto connoisseurs. As reported by the sagacious Darkfost, a veritable oracle of the market, the Binance Spot Vs Futures Dominance metric reveals a most encouraging trend.

Yet here, in the shadowy theater of market despair, traders-those eternal optimists-opened their hearts and wallets to the siren call of bullish futures. But alas, as with all dreams born of longing, their positions now rot amidst losses. New demand? Muted, like my uncle Ivan after three pitchers of kvass. The brave souls staking their dreams on DOGE’s rally find themselves at the mercy of further decline, waiting for fortune that wears no watch.

So, the biggest meme coin is now worth a mere $32 billion. Big whoop. That’s like finding out your lottery ticket is just a receipt from the grocery store. 🛒 Meanwhile, the chart patterns are screaming “bearish” louder than a teenager at a boy band concert. 🎤

XRP confirms a bearish descending triangle on the daily chart, risking an 18% drop to $2.40.