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Say hello to Verb Technology (NASDAQ: VERB), the company formerly known for slick video and sales gizmos, now sporting a new alias-TON Strategy Co. Because nothing says diversification like pivoting entirely to a cryptocurrency backed by a messaging app. The company raised a staggering $558 million-yes, with a ‘M’-and now acts as the first public company to bet big on Toncoin [TON]. Think MicroStrategy, but swap Bitcoin for Telegram’s blockchain baby.

On his digital chaise longue (the social platform formerly known as Twitter, now suffocatingly called “X”-I know, darling, how chic), Armstrong twirled his pen to declare that the ad was less agitprop, more gentle nudge at the venerable British finance system teetering about in its moth-eaten waistcoat. Regulators, he suggested, mistook it for a rowdy political skirmish, or simply have a severe allergy to cryptocurrency-and a fondness for misinterpretation.

Capital, that fickle mistress, lavished crypto startups with a month-over-month surge of 88%, totaling $5.36 billion. Such munificence! The blockchain, that digital tapestry of trust, and its assets shimmered with renewed vigor, as if kissed by the dawn of a new era. AI, the modern Prometheus, played its part with a flair that would make even the most jaded investor swoon. 🕺💸

Now, why would they do such a thing, you ask? Well, it seems our friends in Indonesia are quite taken with the idea of stuffing their national reserves with a sprinkle of Bitcoin magic! Imagine that! A country with a treasure chest full of shiny, virtual coins instead of dusty old gold bars! How positively thrilling! 💰😄

As tremblings set into the hands of analysts (those tireless monks of Wall Street, forever calculating salvation in spreadsheets), Fortune delivers their latest gospel. The jobs report, much awaited, arrived like an aging czar-tardy and disappointing. Seventy-three thousand jobs, they say! Not even a hundred thousand-oh, how the mighty have fallen. May and July, our former heroes, have been demoted too: their numbers revised downward, puncturing the brave faces of forecasts past. Who revised them? Is it an act of accounting, or a Dostoevskian confession?

Whale Alert, our diligent blockchain Sherlock, spotted 20 million XRP-roughly $60.6 million, because why not throw in a fancy number-to be transferred from the illustrious South Korean exchange Upbit into the ether of black boxes. Or, you know, an unknown wallet. Because what’s a whale’s treasure if not a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in blockchain? 🚢🔍

Thankfully, the hiccup was brief – like a bad joke at a family dinner – but it did turn the spotlight back onto the magical mystery tour of centralization. And everyone loves a good mystery, especially when it involves a chain stopping dead in its tracks.

But hold on to your hats-$ETH is makin’ a gritty little crawl back up to $3,650, and some folks are startin’ to think the tide might be turnin’ faster than a hound after a coon. Several technical signs are flickerin’ like fireflies, suggestin’ a squeeze might be on the horizon, and those late bear skeptics could end up lookin’ real foolish. 🤓

Chainlink Data Streams are providing real-time, high-throughput pricing for TradFi assets such as SPY, CRCL, QQQ, NVDA, AAPL, MSFT, and much more. These Data Streams are now available across 37 different blockchain networks.

This grand plan is designed to clear up precisely how Joe and Jane Investor might weave through the labyrinth of leveraging, margin calling, or borrowing-because nothing screams ‘fun’ like risking your hard-earned cash on a rollercoaster you don’t fully understand. 🎢💰