qfx The saga began on July 15, when an enterprising scoundrel discovered that Arcadia’s smart contract was as secure as a chocolate teapot. They gratefully relieved the protocol of $3.5 million in stablecoins (plus a side of laundered-to-go Ether) before anyone could say, “Wait, we audited this… right?” 🤔
Picture the scene: July 29, high noon in the derivatives coliseum. An army of yield-hungry samurai—armed with nothing but optimism and 90% long positions—charged the gates. The servers, poor things, squealed, groaned, then curled up like prisoners asked to sign another confession. On-chain orders still marched forward, valiant and orphaned, while the API spat “404” like a sarcastic kommissar. Traders watched their PnL graphs turn into Gulag memoirs—flat lines interrupted only by heartbeats. 📉❤️🩹
Darkfost, a wise cryptographic owl perched on the branch of market analysis, has declared that even amid the tempest of price swings (think of it as Bitcoin trying out pole dancing), demand remains as stubborn as a mule on stilts. Far from scaring off the brave souls who keep gluing their hopes and digital wallets to this endeavor, recent turbulence seems to be merely jazz hands in the grand performance of crypto attrition. Apparently, the market’s collective confidence is not just intact but dangling from the ceiling like a particularly enthusiastic chandelier.
Not even a fortnight after their initial IPO submission, Bullish waltzed into the US Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) with an updated F-1 document, twirling their mustache and declaring they’ll issue 20.3 million shares. This little dance could potentially puff up their valuation to a whopping $4.2 billion! 💸
After peaking at $119,400 on July 28 (how *quaint*), Bitcoin promptly collapsed to $115,200 by August 1—because consistency is for accountants. But fear not! The crypto Cassius Clay of charts, Merlijn, insists we’re still headed to $145,000. The pattern? A *symphony* of bullishness! The neckline at $110k? Now a “support” so loyal it’s basically a golden retriever. 🐾
According to BitMine (who apparently just discovered couch cushions are a great place to find spare billions), they’ve piled up 833,000 ETH. That’s $3.03 billion, give or take the price of a bagel in Manhattan, all in just over a month. If that’s not speed, I don’t know what is—someone get these folks into the Olympics. Or maybe a shopping spree reality show. 🏅
Start the week at roughly $36.98 to $37.20—nothing to write a sonnet about, but enough to get the silver crusaders riled up. The old chestnut about “paper silver” flooding the COMEX stage has been spun more times than a DJ’s vinyl—yet, the plot thickens like grandma’s gravy. The story is as familiar as Jeeves’s bow tie, yet no one’s got the smoking gun. Still, that doesn’t stop the Silver Faithful from murmuring conspiracy over their gin rickey.
The feverish pursuit of the meme coin crown is alive and well, with investor spirits and disposable incomes now channeling into dog tokens once again. And at the forefront of this canine renaissance stands Maxi Doge ($MAXI), launching its presale amidst a chorus of eager paws and impatient tails.
Arkham pronounced, with a sigh echoing Tolstoy’s resignation, that this was the largest abduction of its kind—$3.5 billion in Bitcoin, then, and now, as if blessed by some Tsar’s folly, $14.5 billion. The mining pool, once a giant rolling through the steppe, was left with air and empty servers. The digital bandit, like a Dostoevskian villain, sent not a whisper nor a mocking letter, choosing instead to dance unseen with his loot for years. Only in 2024, like the unhurried passage of Russian trains across endless plains, did the tale surface in the public’s teacup.
The CoinDesk 20, that enigmatic creature, now stands at 3770.58, a modest 0.3% (+11.59) ascent since 4 p.m. ET on Friday. A mere hiccup in the cosmos of crypto, yet the world holds its breath. 🌌
