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Apparently, DeFi’s summer holiday is over—TVL back to its pre-terraform glory, so grab your sunglasses. Meanwhile, the IMF, in a shocking display of technological enlightenment, now considers crypto as worthy of a place on the accounting ledger. Who knew economists had a sense of humor?

In a twist worthy of a Bridget Jones diary entry (Dear Diary, today my operating income skyrocketed 7,100% YOY to $14 billion and I only spilled coffee on my shirt twice), the company co-founded by The Bitcoin Whisperer himself, Michael Saylor, dropped this bombshell on Thursday. Naturally, their latest numbers rely on fair value accounting, i.e., “we’re counting stuff that doesn’t exist yet, but it could if the universe finally appreciates us.” 😏

Argentina—famous for its economic ballet of devaluations and inflation that spirals like a caffeinated hamster—beckoned the American explorers. Their mission? To peer into the land where crypto isn’t just a currency, but a lifeline, a rebellion, and possibly the only thing that makes sense anymore. Led by the ever-dignified French Hill, they gathered with Argentinians to gawk at the crypto scene, like tourists at a curious zoo—minus the peanuts, plus the regulations. 🦜

DeFi Dev Corp has thrown another $218 million at Solana, averaging a purchase price of $155.33. Their double-digit weekly growth? A financial yoga pose called “The Bullish Stretch.” If this keeps up, they’ll be buying entire planets by next quarter. Or maybe just a small asteroid. Details are unclear.

It begins as all tragic comedies do, with a stray password and a heavy sigh. According to the legendary scribes at The Times of India, Rahul Agarwal—staff member, laptop enthusiast, and possible sleepwalker—found his credentials used in a midnight caper worthy of Dostoevsky, but with less vodka. He now sits in the care of Bengaluru police, his name shadowed by the spectral sum of ₹379-crore, while the $44 million in question cavorts gleefully across a dozen crypto wallets.

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Imagine, if you will, Sequans, a proud semiconductor manufacturer hailing from Paris, once peering confidently into the future, only to find its stock price plunging faster than a soufflé in an open oven. Their audacious partnership with Swan, raising a hefty $384 million—more than MicroStrategy’s modest step—now echoes back as a ghost of capitulation. Investors expected a gold mine; instead, they got a landslide.

There was little surprise—none, really—at Jerome Powell’s strategic monologue on Wednesday, yet bitcoin, that stubborn creature, plunged approximately 1.7% to just shy of $116K. Like some tragic hero, it fell after Powell’s announcement that rates would remain static. But lo and behold, almost a full day later, it clawed its way back to the mighty $118K threshold, as if to mock the very notion of certainty.

Bitcoin, bless its wild heart, might just hoof it up to $150,000 before the leaves finish fallin’ in October, if you reckon by those halving-cycle whatnots.

Blockchain sleuths at Arkham—yes, like the asylum, but for crypto—confirmed that each wallet had been gifted 50 BTC back in April 2010. Back then, Bitcoin was trading for fractions of a cent, and mining a block on your grandma’s laptop cost less than a cup of coffee. Ah, the good old days, when 50 BTC was just a fun little bonus and not a down payment on a small country. ☕💻