Bitcoin Crashes 5%: What My Ex Said When I Mentioned My Portfolio 😳

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So there I was, Sunday night, cozy in my PJs with a glass of wine (?), scrolling through my crypto app like it’s a dating profile I’m about to ghost – when BAM. Bitcoin, my emotional support cryptocurrency, decided to drop 5% in three hours. 📉💥

It had been holding steady around $91,500 like a responsible adult all weekend (rare for crypto), acting like “I’ve done the work, I’m stable, I attend therapy,” only to suddenly implode to $86,950 on Coinbase. Thanks, BT-C! 😒 According to Tradingview (aka my crypto oracle), it looked like mere consolidation at first – the financial equivalent of saying “I need space.”

And here’s the kicker: this comes right after the first green weekly candle in FOUR WEEKS. We were at $90,411 at week’s end – barely above rock bottom, but a win’s a win, right? Like when you don’t eat the entire family-sized bag of crisps in one go. Small victories. 🥲

But no! The Kobeissi Letter (sounds like a breakup note from a finance bro) casually drops: “Oh yeah, Friday night and Sunday night? Crypto always goes full trainwreck then.” No news. No scandal. No Elon tweeting “lol.” Just vibes. And bad ones. 😬

More leverage has been liquidated – surprise, surprise

Kobeissi blames a “sudden rush of selling volume” – a.k.a. panic-peddling by people who thought “HODL” was a personality trait. This triggered a domino-effect sell-off, made exponentially worse by the fact that some poor souls were trading with more leverage than my emotional baggage at a family Christmas. 🧨

“This crypto ‘bear market’ is still structural in nature. We do NOT view this a fundamental decline.”

Sure Jan. Much like my last relationship, everything’s “structurally bearish” but supposedly “not fundamentally broken.” 🙄

Over 180,000 traders got liquidated in 24 hours – yes, ONE EIGHT ZERO THOUSAND – with $539 million vaporized faster than my last shred of hope in men under 6’0”. 😭 CoinGlass reported that nearly 90% were LONG positions, mostly in BTC and Ether. So basically, everyone betting on a rise got wrecked. Classic.

Worst November since 2018 – cue sad violin

Bitcoin endured its worst month of the year and its worst November since 2018, dropping 17.49%. In 2018, it fell 36.57% during what was basically crypto’s version of the Dark Ages. So this time, it’s more like a moody teenage phase: dramatic, messy, but probably survivable. 💅

But wait – enters Analyst “Sykodelic,” who says – and I quote – “This is actually a great start to the month.” 😳 Bro, what planet are you on? Did you mistake liquidation carnage for a cleansing ritual?

“Downside liquidity swiped first, which is what we want to happen.”

Sure, Sykodelic. And I want my cat to stop sleeping on my keyboard. But here we are. 🐱💻

Meanwhile, the CME gap is closed, no Sunday pump happened (predictable), and $400 million in longs got wiped out. Honestly, sounds like a toxic relationship purge. Maybe we did need this?

…Or maybe I just need to delete the app and take up knitting. 🧶

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2025-12-01 05:17