Bitcoin ETFs: Because Who Needs a Savings Account? 🤑📈

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JPMorgan analysts, apparently moonlighting as fortune tellers, predict that crypto ETFs-especially Bitcoin ones-will rake in more cash in 2026 than your average influencer’s sponsored post. 🤑

Led by Nikolaos Panigirtzoglou (try saying that three times fast), their analysis reveals that crypto ETFs hit a record-breaking $130 billion in inflows last year. Turns out, everyone’s suddenly into digital asset treasuries (DATs), probably because they sound cooler than “savings account.”

DAT Companies: The Crypto Kings of 2025 👑

Panigirtzoglou claims that 2025’s inflows were all about Bitcoin and Ethereum ETFs, fueled by retail investors and DAT companies buying Bitcoin like it’s Black Friday. 🛒 Meanwhile, institutional investors and hedge funds seemed to have ghosted the crypto scene, with their CME futures activity dropping compared to 2024. Awkward.

Over half of the total inflows-a whopping $68 billion-came from DAT companies. Another $23 billion came from “formal strategies,” which is just a fancy way of saying “people with spreadsheets.” 📊

Other DATs snapped up $45 billion in digital assets, up from a measly $8 billion in 2024. But by October, the DATs’ crypto shopping spree had fizzled out faster than a New Year’s resolution. 🕯️

Crypto venture capital funding chipped in, but it’s a shadow of its former 2021-2022 self. While total funding increased slightly in 2025, deals plummeted, and investments became concentrated in later-stage rounds. Basically, everyone’s betting on the safe horses. 🐎

JPMorgan suggests this is because funds are being funneled into DATs instead of early-stage startups. Because why risk it on a TikTok-fueled crypto startup when you can just park your cash in Bitcoin? 🛏️

Regulatory Changes: The Plot Thickens 🎭

The analysts predict a rebound in institutional crypto flows in 2026, thanks to anticipated regulatory changes like the Crypto Market Structure Bill (CLARITY Act). Because nothing screams “adoption” like a government bill. 🇺🇸

This bill could boost institutional adoption, revitalizing venture capital funding, mergers, acquisitions, and IPOs. But hold your horses-the bill’s markup got delayed after crypto leaders, including Coinbase, pulled their support. Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong called it “materially worse than the current status quo.” Yikes. 🤷‍♂️

At press time, Bitcoin was trading at $96,050, up 10% in two weeks. So, yeah, the crypto party’s still on. 🎉 But don’t forget to tip your DATs on the way out. 💸

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2026-01-16 09:06