Bitcoiners Panic—Did Snot-Nosed Speculators Just Call the Market Bottom? 😂🚨

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Somewhere in the great, howling steppe of the Internet, Bitcoin rises a full 9% since last Sunday. Oh, rejoice! Or tremble. Or, if you’re like Nikolai Petrovich, perhaps simply spit suspiciously at your neighbor’s dog and mutter about “market forces.” The price surges and swoons, a cackling babushka at a village dance, approaching resistance with the slow, deliberate menace of a tax collector at Lent. Traders (half asleep, half bankrupt, wholly caffeinated) peer at their charts, declaring breakouts imminent, just as they have since Gogol first wrote about haunted overcoats.

Yet—wait! What’s this? The great analyst Darkfost (one can only assume a distant cousin of Akaky Akakievich) waves a trembling finger at the on-chain charts and proclaims: behold, the short-term holder realized price ratio drops below 0.995! In simpler idiocy: the Snot-Nosed Speculators™ are dumping their bitcoins, facing losses with all the grace of a flock of startled chickens. This, dear reader, is supposed to be bullish. Historically, when weak hands are shaking, strong hands step forth—presumably holding both Bitcoin and strong, unsweetened vodka.

Elsewhere, the mood is so optimistic that even the US stock market is setting new highs, as if everyone suddenly received a government-issued monocle and top hat. Thus analysts—never satisfied with simply being wrong about one thing—predict that altcoins will soon also pirouette skyward. Water (and liquidity) flows back to the desert of risk-taking, and everyone fidgets, sniffing for the scent of a breakout. Some await a glorious moonshot; others look for a place to dig a potato cellar. Who here is the wiser?

Darkfost, tenacious as the tax man in a tragicomedy, reiterates: the Short-Term Holder Spent Output Profit Ratio (so important it must be capitalized and abbreviated) dropped below 0.995. The short-term folk are panicking, and big-bottomed speculators are bracing for strong hands to scoop up cheap coins—like a merchant swooping down on a suitcase fallen from a carriage.

A picture worth one thousand rubles, or zero, depending on the hour.

The market’s nerves are stretched tighter than the belt on a bureaucrat’s waistcoat: will Bitcoin break above $112K, or slither ignominiously below $105K? The fate of the world (or at least the fate of several over-leveraged traders) hangs in the balance. Watch, if you can bear it.

Bitcoin Battles Between Bulls, Bears, and Boredom

Within this melodrama, Bitcoin currently trades at a respectable $107,321. There it loiters, eyeing the $109,300 resistance as if it’s a closed bakery on a Sunday. The wall has, so far, proved about as breachable as a Cossack outpost—multiple attempts have failed, each one producing more chest-beating and despair on crypto Twitter. Yet, with all key moving averages subdued (50, 100, even the hulking 200), momentum shifts to the bulls. Or so the story goes.

BTC price: as reliable as a Russian coach schedule.

The 12-hour chart, mocked by cynics and worshipped by bagholders, shows higher lows—evidence that buyers are, in fact, alive. Still, low volume betrays hesitation, as if the market itself is nursing a two-day hangover. Unless Bitcoin conclusively closes above $109,300, all this movement could be just wind whistling through an empty coat sleeve.

Should the bulls fail—perish the thought!—support at $105,000–$103,600 must hold, or else the price might dig itself a pit all the way to the somber depths of the 200 SMA, somewhere around $97,000, where only the bravest hodlers and the most clueless bots still dare to tread.

For now, all eyes remain glued to Bitcoin, waiting for the next act in this bizarre, tear-soaked comedy of errors. If the market does break out, remember to thank your local village idiot—they probably sold the bottom.

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2025-06-29 15:24