Ah, the sweet smell of opportunism in the morning. A veteran analyst-let’s call him Captain Obvious for now-has boldly declared that Ethereum is about to hit its local bottom. How convenient, considering his ETH-focused treasury firm, BitMine, just went on yet another shopping spree. One might almost think they’re trying to buy the entire blockchain. Or at least enough of it to make Vitalik Buterin nervous.
Calling Bottoms and Drinking from the Firehose 🔥
In a move that screams “I’ve definitely got this under control,” Lee took to X (formerly Twitter, formerly the place where people said interesting things) to suggest that Ether was about to stabilize after a $200 billion market-wide meltdown. Yes, you read that right-two hundred billion dollars evaporated faster than a puddle in Ankh-Morpork during a heatwave. Meanwhile, Fundstray’s Mark Newton chimed in with some optimism, claiming the current levels are a golden opportunity. Apparently, if ETH can cling to $4,300 like a cat to a windowsill, we’ll see prices rebound toward the $5,100-$5,450 range.
And wouldn’t you know it? ETH dipped briefly to $4,313 before bouncing back above $4,430. If the market were a rubber ball, it would be one of those cheap ones that bounces unpredictably but always lands somewhere surprising.
BitMine Keeps Hoarding ETH Like Smaug With a Crypto Obsession 🐉
While everyone else was busy panicking, BitMine Immersion Technologies decided to double down on their strategy of “buy everything that moves.” According to Arkham Intelligence (which sounds suspiciously like a secret society), the company snapped up 4,871 ETH worth $21.3 million. That brings their grand total to 1.72 million ETH, valued at roughly $7.5 billion. To put that into perspective, they now own enough ETH to build a small country… or at least fund an extremely ambitious LARP event.
But wait, there’s more! In recent weeks, BitMine has been gobbling up over 190,000 ETH while simultaneously padding their crypto-and-cash reserves to $8.8 billion. Their net asset value per share has skyrocketed to nearly $40, up from $22.84 just a month ago. At this rate, they’ll need a bigger vault-or possibly a new planet.
The Great Treasury Arms Race Begins 💼⚔️
BitMine isn’t content to sit idly by while other companies dabble in cryptocurrencies. Oh no, they’ve claimed a staggering 40% of all ETH held by corporate treasuries, making them the undisputed heavyweight champion of institutional ETH holders. Meanwhile, Bitcoin maximalists over at Strategy (you know, MicroStrategy) are still playing catch-up, announcing the purchase of 3,081 BTC for $357 million. It’s like watching two dragons fight over who gets the bigger pile of gold.
Disclaimer: This article is brought to you by the Department of Things That Seem True But Might Not Be. Always do your own research because even wizards get scammed sometimes. Consult a licensed financial advisor unless you enjoy living dangerously.
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2025-08-26 19:52