Buffett Retires, Leaves $382B Under Mattress – Crypto Bros Salivate 🤤

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The great Omaha sage has shuffled off his mortal coil-metaphorically speaking, of course. At 95, Warren Buffett has finally retired, leaving Berkshire Hathaway clutching a ludicrous $382 billion in cash. Enough to buy half of Nebraska, or, as Barchart insists, nearly 480 S&P 500 companies (though why anyone would want 480 of anything is beyond me).

The money sits there, gathering dust and existential dread, while Berkshire sells stocks like a nervous widow auctioning her late husband’s cufflinks. The markets whisper: “Are they preparing for disaster, or just terribly indecisive?” And somewhere, a crypto enthusiast mutters, “Surely they’ll buy Bitcoin now… right?” 🥴

A Retirement, a Textile Firm’s Revenge, and Other Mildly Interesting Tales

Buffett’s departure marks the end of an era-60 years spent turning a failing textile company into a financial behemoth that now owns railroads, insurance firms, and enough Coca-Cola stock to drown a small country in fizzy regret.

Berkshire’s subsidiaries multiply like rabbits, each one dutifully spitting out cash like a well-oiled machine. Apple, Bank of America, American Express-all trapped in Berkshire’s loving, suffocating embrace. Meanwhile, GEICO’s gecko weeps softly into a pile of unspent premiums.

🚨 PANIC! (Or Don’t, Really)

Warren’s got $277B in cash
Same as 2020-remember COVID?
Markets went poof
But hey, history never repeats, right?

– NoName (@WhaleNoName) November 2, 2025

Now, Greg Abel-a man who rose through the ranks of energy, of all things-inherits this absurd fortune. Will he spend it? Hoard it? Accidentally drop it in a Bitcoin ATM? The world waits with bated breath (and slightly less bated portfolios).

Analysts, those eternal optimists, suggest Abel might stick to Buffett’s playbook-buying distressed companies like a thrifty shopper at a bankruptcy sale. Meanwhile, interest rates yawn and decline, as if bored by the whole affair.

“Without Buffett’s Rolodex, will anyone even return Berkshire’s calls?” mused The Economist, quoting a UBS analyst who clearly has trust issues.

Crypto fans, ever hopeful, watch like children waiting for Santa. Buffett once called Bitcoin “rat poison squared,” which, frankly, sounds like a failed energy drink. Yet Nu Holdings-a Brazilian bank dabbling in crypto-sits in Berkshire’s portfolio, winking suggestively.

Nu’s stock has soared, proving that even the most conservative investors occasionally stumble into something exciting-like finding a twenty in last winter’s coat.

The $382B Question: Is This Prudence or Paranoia?

Berkshire’s recent stock sales-$184 billion worth-suggest either foresight or a deep-seated fear of commitment. Combined with their cash hoard, they’re either preparing for Armageddon or the world’s most extravagant yard sale.

Crypto traders nod sagely. “Institutions stacking cash = bear market incoming,” they tweet, between sips of overpriced coffee. Yet Berkshire’s history suggests patience wins-19.9% annual returns vs. the S&P’s measly 10.4%. Slow and steady, unless you’re Bitcoin, in which case: fast and erratic.

“Abel hasn’t denounced crypto… yet,” notes Juan Pellicer of Sentora, as if neutrality were itself a bullish signal. “But expecting him to embrace it is like expecting a cat to enjoy a bath.”

So here we are. Buffett exits stage left, Abel steps in, and $382 billion sits patiently, waiting for… something. A crash? A deal? A sudden urge to YOLO into Dogecoin? Only time will tell. And time, as always, charges by the hour.

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2026-01-01 13:24