Crypto News

The race for an XRP Spot ETF has escalated to “intergalactic urgency,” according to sources who may or may not be entirely sober. Grayscale, a firm whose name suggests it specializes in turning digital assets into existential crises, has filed an updated amendment for its proposed ETF. John Squire, a crypto influencer whose predictions are about 67% accurate (give or take a black hole), claims this move is “bold.” Bold, or possibly the result of sleep deprivation.

Apparently, Balancer got hit by a code exploit so sophisticated, it makes the plot of Ocean’s Eleven look like a kindergarten play. This digital heist, which went down on Monday, targeted Balancer v2 Stable Pools and Composable Stable v5 pools, leaving the rest of the pools as clueless bystanders. 🏊‍♂️🤷‍♂️

In cahoots with the American sorcerers of payment infrastructure, Paera, Tangem Pay permits its patrons to deposit and squander Circle’s USDC on the Polygon network. So proclaims the herald in a proclamation whispered to CryptoMoon on a Wednesday, no less. 🌙

Its real impact lies not in new tax burdens but in how France is redefining digital wealth within its broader fiscal policy. Imagine trying to explain blockchain to a medieval tax collector-except now the collector is a bureaucrat with a spreadsheet and a caffeine addiction.

In the midst of a market that can only be described as ‘volatile,’ Cardano has decided to put on its finest performance, rising above $0.54 with a modest 1.3% increase in the last 24 hours. Bravo, ADA, bravo!

Now, if we take a step back and squint hard at the broader picture-because who doesn’t love a good squint?-it reveals that BTC is down over 20% from its all-time high. The root of this distress? Oh, just the usual suspects: government shutdowns, economic woes, and investors discovering that buying the dip isn’t as easy as it sounds. In classic fashion, our valued cryptocurrency community has collectively lost about $300 billion. You could buy quite a few islands with that kind of cash, though I’d advise against it at the moment! 🌴

He clarified, with the sort of scholarly disdain only a tech genius can muster, that Ripple’s hefty stash of XRP-34.75 billion tucked away in an escrow, no less-does not, I repeat, not have any magical influence over its value. Claims that the lot of it is some sort of financial Shakespearean trap? False. According to Schwartz, “if XRP were worth more without Ripple, then when you buy or sell, it’s all just a chaotic dance of value cancellations-like trying to dance the waltz while tripping over your own feet.” Charming! 💃📉

A most urgent hard fork was distributed, addressing a vulnerability in their decentralized exchange. One might say it’s a ‘hard’ fork, but not in the literal sense. 🚀

Bitcoin, in a fit of whimsy, dipped below $100,000-an event that hasn’t happened since the time when tech stocks weren’t yet busting their buttons on the way down. Meanwhile, Shiba Inu, the canine of crypto, decided to join the party of despair, plunging to $0.00000837, reminiscent of January and the days when a coffee was cheaper. It’s fallen from a high of $0.00001074 on Nov. 2, as if to remind us that nothing gold can stay-except maybe a meme coin.

So, Dinari-the tokenized equity guru-is cozying up to Chainlink for some fancy pricing data to bring the S&P DJI’s crypto-focused index onchain. Because who needs traditional finance when you can have it all in a token? 🤑