Bitcoin ETFs: Unstoppable Force or Just a Fad?

Analysts say that the steady stream of money into these investment vehicles is helping to drive Bitcoin prices higher, like a mighty river carving its way through the rocky terrain of the crypto market. 🌊

Ripple CEO Dons Metaphorical Bowtie, Prepares to Serenade Senate in Crypto Opera

Yes, Garlinghouse, his schedule presumably lighter after years of droll litigation, confirmed (not with a trembling telegraph key, but—how modern!—on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter, née a bucket of vowels) that he will appear this Wednesday before the esteemed custodians of America’s economic fate. He gallops into the Senate limelight just as the House prepares to unleash ‘Crypto Week’—which, contrary to rumors, is not a discount buffet for blockchain enthusiasts, but something weightier for those who enjoy heavy pocket squares and heavier metaphors.

Bitcoin’s Siren Song: A $4.2B Frenzy

But what of the timing, you ask? Ah, dear reader, it is no coincidence that this announcement comes on the heels of a $14B unrealized revenue windfall, courtesy of Bitcoin’s Fair Value Appreciation in Q2 2025. The gods of fortune are smiling upon Strategy, it seems 🙏.

TON’s Golden Visa Dream Shatters: Fees Soar 696% Amid UAE Backlash

The development arrives alongside a dramatic sixfold surge in Toncoin fees, up 696% this week according to Nansen. This has raised both eyebrows and trading volumes, hitting a total value locked (TVL) of $140 million, according to DefiLlama data. It seems the market is either genuinely excited or just riding the hype train. 🚂

Is HBAR Ready to Surge? A Potential Bullish Breakout in the Making!

As of July 8, Hedera (HBAR) was gallantly trading at $0.1525 – a small but significant step above this month’s dismal low of $0.1255. While that’s still a whopping 30% below the March high, we must remind ourselves that even bears need a little sunshine once in a while. And this is still very much within bear market territory, so don’t get too carried away just yet, darling. Bear hugs are still in effect. 🐻

Japan’s Bond Yields Surge: Is Your Bitcoin Feeling the Heat?

The yield on the Japanese 30-year government bond (JGB) has surged over 30 basis points (bps), topping the 3% mark for the first time since May 23, when it hit a high of 3.20%, according to data source TradingView. The 40-year yield has risen nearly 15 basis points to 3.36%.

Metaplanet’s Wild Bid: From Soba Noodles to Bitcoin Cartel 🚀

For months, Metaplanet bought Bitcoin as if they were stockpiling potatoes before a Siberian winter, each satoshi lovingly stacked, each transaction a small rebellion. Now, they look around—Bitcoins amassed, fingers frozen to the ledger—and mutter to themselves: “Perhaps, now, the real mischief begins.” 🏦

Bots Are Ruining Memecoin Launchpads, Says Coinbase Exec

Now, don’t get your hopes up just yet, because according to recent data, the top bots on LetsBonk are churning out new tokens faster than you can say “pump and dump.” Every three minutes, a fresh token is born. And in a 24-hour period, 13 wallets collectively launched over 4,200 tokens—talk about automation on steroids. 🐦💸