Crypto News

Why, even Brad Garlinghouse himself—the CEO whose name echoes in vaulted fintech halls and meme-laden forums—descended from his executive perch to express gratitude. “Huge progress,” he pronounced, no doubt with a furrowed brow and a visionary gleam, while the developers, huddled like peasant families awaiting winter, received his words with the resigned gratitude of men who have just dug a new well.

To the forlorn chorus of geopolitical wrangling, the old crypto continues its waltz. A 4% rally in 24 hours, as if money itself had grown impatient with sleep and sought to reclaim the limelight. But in the quiet wings, a subtler drama unfolds—investors, skittish as finches at dusk, have been changing not only their movements, but their habits, as the wise folk of CryptoQuant would have you know.

Indeed, such vivacity prompted comparisons with its esteemed peers in the top fifteen holders of capital, as LINK quite outpaced them—no small feat, considering the competitive nature of the crypto Assembly.

Strong demand, so the institutions claim — which in this industry could mean anything from a handful of excitable interns to an actual boardroom full of characters from The Wolf of Wall Street. Retail traders, apparently emboldened by the notion that fortunes can still be made in pyjamas, have also joined the melee. “Robust”, they say. One shudders to imagine what “anemic” would look like.

On the night of June 23rd, BCH made a valiant, if not melodramatic, leap to $467. A 3% surge—bravo!—before being shown the door. Twice more our protagonist attempted entry; twice more it met the consternation of “Not tonight, darling.” Lower highs trailed forlornly behind that initial spike, composing a bearish sonnet in descending trendlines (perhaps set to minor key).

Enter Fluence, galloping in on a white horse—okay, more like a mid-sized, slightly over-caffeinated llama—all set to build what cloud Goliaths cannot: a compute layer that’s actually open, fairly priced, and not the pet project of trillion-dollar empires. And, get this, you don’t need an invitation to participate. No secret handshakes, no shareholder meetings, and certainly no Jeff Bezos lurking in the shadows.

Treasury and Finance, armed with the bureaucratic fervor of an over-caffeinated Dostoevsky character, prescribes a transfer note of at least twenty characters to every transaction. Twenty characters, yes! As if the criminal would pause mid-escape to compose a haiku: “Bought socks. Not laundering. Promise.” Should you omit this sonnet, the punishment is swift—a 72-hour wait, which is, coincidentally, also the average time for a Turkish family to agree on a dinner menu.

The fella at the helm of this grand expedition is President Lee Jae Myung, fresh out of the electoral oven and smellin’ like reform. His bright idea? Decouple that good old Republic from the iron grip of foreign money—particularly Uncle Sam’s beloved greenbacks—and float Korea right into the thick of Asia’s digital cash rodeo. Because nothing says “global powerhouse” like your own brand of electronic funny-money! 💸

Shin Bet and the Israeli police kicked off the weekend with a bang by nabbing a Tel Aviv resident, age 27, on suspicion of spying for Iran for—wait for it—cryptocurrency. You can’t make this stuff up. Crypto! Was the Mossad accountant on vacation? Supposedly, the guy raked in thousands for a little freelance espionage, like it’s Fiverr, except the gigs are all “spy on your neighbors.”

Lest you clutch your pearls over financial recklessness, rest easy: the $10 million set aside for this little crypto soirée represents less than the cost of a single armadillo-themed barbecue (or, if one must be precise, about 0.0004% of the budget). Nevertheless, it seems destined to make ripples. The move is, to paraphrase our blockchain baron Lee Bratcher, more a declaration of digital intention than a severe flirtation with bankruptcy.