Crypto News

Over the past 24 hours, critics like Jason Calacanis, host of the “All In” podcast, have been telling everyone to dump MSTR and buy Bitcoin directly because, and I quote, “Told y’all this would happen.” Strategy? “A stunning pyramid,” he says. Because what’s a tech stock without a little pyramid scheming? 🏰

Bank of America, one of the U.S.’s largest financial institutions, has become the latest Wall Street giant to warm up to bitcoin 🐍. A marvel of modern finance, isn’t it? 🤯

So, the real drama wasn’t about crypto-it was about who gets to be the puppet master: the state, the market, or Brussels. Because, you know, why solve actual problems when you can argue about power? 🤷♂️

At press time, Bitcoin’s chilling at $86,900-a 21% discount from its peak. Some experts call this a bear market warm-up. Others say it’s just Bitcoin “taking a nap,” which is either adorable or terrifying, depending on your portfolio. 😴

Behold, Vanguard has pivoted from its fortress-like resistance to crypto, now allowing clients to trade ETFs and mutual funds on its hallowed brokerage platform. Bloomberg, the scribe of modern finance, reports this as a “landmark shift.” Let’s call it what it is: a truce between tradition and the digital wild west. 🤝

The crypto circus continues: despite the limited momentum, a few shiny new XRP ETFs have graced the scene, sprinkling hope like fairy dust-reminding everyone that even in chaos, some things do sparkle. Ah, the timeless dance of despair and hope. 💃🏻🔮

Goldman Sachs, a bank that’s definitely not a vampire squid squid, just bought a company that specializes in Bitcoin-linked ETFs. Innovator Capital, the victim of this corporate affection, brings $28 billion in assets and 159 ETFs to the party. These aren’t your grandma’s ETFs-they’re “defined outcome” strategies, which is finance jargon for “we’ll try to lose your money less badly if the market tanks.”

But lo! After recent altcoin ETFs flopped harder than a wet pancake, investors are scratching their heads: Will LINK finally break its slump, or join the parade of punchless pumpkins? The market’s been in a sulk, and even the most optimistic optimist’s got a frown stuck on their face.

It seems the investigation, which kicked off in the 118th Congress-about the time folks were still arguing whether to burn or fry their tax returns-discovered that the Biden crew has been employing all sorts of vague rules and dark spells to scare banks away from dealing with digital assets. Like a snake oil salesman at a county fair, they use “informal guidance” and “enforcement actions”-that’s fancy talk for “we’re watching you, buddy,”-to keep crypto from playing in the banks’ backyard. 🕵️‍♂️