Between October 2024 and September 2025, Coinbase received a staggering 12,716 writs-an increase of 19%, as if the request fever spread like wildfire. From the US, Germany, UK, France, Spain, down Under-Australia, mate!-and others, law enforcement’s digital detectives pinged away. In their infinite wisdom, Coinbase notes that the bulk-about 80%-springs from these nations, hinting at a global love affair with legal papers. 📜
At this very moment, dear Chainlink is sauntering around $12.18, after receiving a rather rude rejection from the $13.40-$13.50 zone. That little zone has now been dubbed the “firm resistance ceiling,” where dreams of gains go to die. 💀
With a flourish of her metaphorical fan, she declared this license expansion a “major win” for Ripple’s growth and its adoring customers. How utterly delightful! 🌟
In a video from CME, Priyanka Jain, the director of equity and crypto products, casually dropped a bombshell: Ether options are way more volatile than Bitcoin options right now. Normally, volatility sends traders running, but nope, not this time. Instead, traders are flocking to Ether futures like moths to a flame (and I mean, who doesn’t love a good wild ride?).
Kalshi is now offering tokenized versions of its event-contract wagers on Solana, the company told CNBC, marking its clearest bid yet to attract crypto traders who have gravitated to on-chain platforms like Polymarket. A modern-day Dostoevsky novel, if the protagonist were a Bitcoin whale and the antagonist was a regulatory body 🧠.
And pray, what was this mistake? Why, it was not the failure to procure the asset at an early juncture, nor the oversight of a successful technology-oh, no. Mr. Schiff himself insists that the true blunder was his misplaced assumption that others, dear souls, would see what he so clearly saw: that Bitcoin, being entirely detached from anything tangible, could hardly hold any lasting value.
So, what’s the deal? XRP’s price is down to a mere $2.03, marking a 7.19% decline. A tragic fall from its earlier $3 high, yes, but still, it clings to life. This decline follows weeks of selling pressure-because who doesn’t love a bit of downward spiral in the volatile world of crypto? Yet, liquidity remains shockingly strong. What a relief. At least someone’s happy in this market. 🤷♂️
Bitcoin mining profitability has been on a diet for the fourth month running, as per JPMorgan’s latest missive. One might say the miners are now auditioning for roles in a tragic opera titled “The Ballad of the Broke and Exhausted.” 🎭
In splendid isolation, the recent withdrawal of 28 billion SHIB from exchanges is, I suppose, a positive trinket. Outflows, after all, suggest a decrease in selling pressure-coins flitting away from exchanges like socialites avoiding a scandal. This does imply that some holders are opting for a more dignified stance, avoiding the panic-selling frenzy and perhaps considering longer-term positions. How quaint! But let’s not get carried away, darling. The scale, as always, is the devil in the details. SHIB’s total exchange reserves are a staggering 81 trillion tokens. A 28 billion outflow? Merely 0.03% of the total supply. Barely a ripple in the champagne flute of crypto, I’m afraid. 🥂
Below lies a dissection of this digital dumpster fire, served with a sprinkle of schadenfreude. 🍿
