Crypto News

In a blog post so serious it might as well have worn a tie, the crypto overlords at Coinbase argued that the hysteria about stablecoins sucking the life out of community banks is about as useful as a chocolate teapot. “Recent analysis,” they say, proves there isn’t a meaningful link between stablecoin adoption and bank deposit outflows – which sounds suspiciously like the findings of a study where the researchers actually talk to the numbers instead of each other.

AVAX is flexing like it’s at a crypto gym. It’s currently chilling above $22.67, which is basically the crypto version of a “I’ve got this” pep talk. If it breaks through $50, it’ll be the financial equivalent of a TikTok dance challenge-sudden, chaotic, and everyone’s asking “Wait, what just happened?” 🏔️💸

Apparently, they’ve got a “bull case” where it *might* hit $6,400. Which is…nice? And a “bear case” that suggests it could faceplant all the way down to $2,200. Wonderful. Choices, choices! 🤷‍♀️ Honestly, the suspense is killing me. At this point, I’m just waiting for someone to predict a price based on the alignment of the planets.

Well, now, that’s a question for the ages! Seems risk-takin’ fellas are headin’ for the stock market and these other “altcoins,” while Nasdaq’s climbin’ higher than a kite and Solana’s makin’ Bitcoin look like a slowpoke. Three times the return, you hear? Three times!

Consider Schrödinger’s infamous quandary: forthwith, a cat neither alive nor departed until someone takes a gander. Similarly, the Salvadoran government’s alleged Bitcoin transactions are lodged in a delightful state of purgatory, bobbing on a see-saw of hearsay until the fair witnesses of skepticism bestow their scrutiny.

But hark! Arthur Hayes, the co-founder of BitMEX and CIO of Maelstrom, has deigned to offer his wisdom. He declares, with the authority of a seasoned matchmaker, that we ought not to fixate on the fleeting whims of BTC’s price movements. Instead, we must direct our gaze to the broader forces-those grand, macroeconomic winds-that shall propel this cryptocurrency to heights hitherto unseen. 🌪️✨

In a filing that probably gave the US securities regulator a migraine, the company cheerfully announced: “We’ll use the money for ‘general corporate purposes,’ which definitely, absolutely, 100% includes buying Bitcoin (wink, wink).” Because why specify when you can just shrug and say “stuff”? 🤷‍♂️

A most peculiar endeavor, initiated in the year 2019, persists in its endeavors to refine its mechanisms, as if the cosmos itself were a mere footnote to its grand design. 🧠

Peter “Gold is life” Schiff has decided to throw some cold water on Bitcoin’s party. Apparently, while gold and silver are partying hard, Bitcoin’s just standing there, sipping its drink, looking awkward. 😬

The Fellowship PAC, a glittering new entrant in the political arena, has pledged to pour over $100 million into the pockets of candidates who claim to love innovation, crypto, and the American dream. 🚨 But let’s not forget: in the land of the free, even freedom has a price-paid in stablecoins and sarcasm. 🐍