Crypto News

Once upon a time, Bitcoin treasuries basked in the glow of investor adoration, their market value soaring above the mere worth of their BTC holdings. Why? Because the masses believed-nay, *worshipped*-their ability to grow, to monetize chaos, to be the safe harbor in the storm of cryptocurrency. Their market net asset value (mNAV), a sacred number always greater than 1, was the testament to their divine right to rule. But alas, CryptoQuant’s Julio Moreno, a modern-day Cassandra, warns that annualized Bitcoin volatility has plummeted to multi-year lows. The party’s over, comrades. 🎈✨

Last Friday, Solana flirted with $241.84, peeling away from its sluggish slumber between $120 and $220 like a bear waking from winter’s nap. Our crypto protagonist tiptoed past many a barrier, “quiet as a church mouse,” as one analyst put it, ascending 20% since Sunday without much applause.

In a tête-à-tête with Kyle Chasse, a seasoned Bitcoin and Web3 entrepreneur, Hayes counseled investors to remain steadfast in their devotion to Bitcoin, even as stocks and gold bask in their fleeting glory. He expounded on the current state of Bitcoin, the broader crypto market, and the capricious world of finance.

The question, then, is not whether AI will replace us. The question is: what kind of systems are we building, and do they allow us to thrive within them? Or are we merely constructing our own gilded cages? 🏰

According to Reuters, the loan document dated May 28, 2021, reveals Cook’s confession to her credit union: the Atlanta property, a sanctuary of leisure, was never meant to be her primary abode. She listed two other homes as her true domains, a move that shatters Trump’s allegations like a glass slipper at midnight. Cinderella, it seems, has fled the ball. 👑💔

Martinez, bless his heart, took to X (formerly known as Twitter, for you old-timers) to share his findings. Seems Solana’s been dancing the “cup and handle” jig for years now-a U-shaped dip followed by a sideways shuffle. 🕺 First, it plunges like a man off a cliff, then rebounds like a rubber ball, only to slump again into a descending channel. It’s like watching a drunk man try to walk a straight line.

The drama kicked off when an associate’s Telegram account was hacked, leading to a malicious meeting link being spread. The unsuspecting target, as one does, clicked on the link and entered what seemed like a perfectly normal video call. Surprise! The call was faker than a $3 bill.

According to the announcement, Polymarket is now leveraging Chainlink’s “low-latency, timestamped, and verifiable oracle reports” to predict the future of asset prices. This is apparently a big deal, as it allows users to speculate on cryptocurrency pairs with the precision of a man who’s sure he knows when the next ice age will start-based on a graph he drew in MS Paint.

The newly unveiled Ondo Global Markets platform, a veritable playground for the financially adventurous, has seduced over $160 million in assets in mere days. 🤑 Here, one can frolic with tokenized versions of over 100 stocks and ETFs, including the likes of Tesla, Nvidia, and Google-because who needs Wall Street when you can have blockchain? 🏦➡️🔗

Five out of six of our eager little debutants managed to price above their projected ranges, but, oh, what a delightful little plot twist-most of them slipped back down to Earth, clinging to their initial levels like a teenager with their first mobile phone contract. Adorable, but not exactly explosive.