Crypto News

A certain crypto dilettante, with a penchant for brevity, shared a précis of CZ’s odyssey from rags to riches, prompting our protagonist to emerge from his digital lair. 🕵️♂️

After the FTX and Celsius meltdowns, we’ve all learned that trusting someone else to hold your crypto is about as smart as leaving your wallet in a hot car. The crypto world has embraced self-custody, but the way we manage keys is evolving faster than my ability to remember my seed phrase. Traditional seed phrases? So last decade. Now it’s all about smarter, more resilient recovery solutions that won’t make you cry when you drop your phone in the toilet. 🛁

Featuring Intelligent Strategy (because “Dumb Luck” just didn’t cut it), 24/7 investment alerts (because the markets never sleep, unfortunately, neither will your phone), AI-driven backtesting (basically teaching a robot to predict the future – no pressure), smooth trade executions (like butter on a hot pan), and transparent performance reviews (so you can see exactly how much you’re winning… or losing), it’s practically your new best friend.

Data from the mysterious realm of on-chain analytics reveals that the movement of these seasoned investors hit a whopping three-month peak, suggesting they’re finally cashing in on the recent surge. Because who doesn’t love a little crypto spring cleaning?

Behold, the price of Dogecoin, after bouncing off the precipice of $0.22, now clings to the ledge of $0.23, as if grasping for meaning in a world devoid of it. The so-called “buyers,” driven by greed or delusion, push onward, their eyes fixed on resistance zones that loom like specters in the mist. A bullish pennant, they say, has broken on the 2-hour chart-a pattern as fleeting as the dreams of those who worship it. Its target? A paltry $0.275. How grand. 🎢📈

In a notice dated September 9, the SEC confirmed that it’s extending the period for reviewing Bitwise’s application to list its Dogecoin trust as Commodity-Based Trust Shares under the NYSE Arca Rule 8.201-E. The Commission said, “We’ll either approve or disapprove by November 12, 2025,” which is basically code for, “We’re not sure yet, but enjoy this suspense!” 😅

QMMM, with dreams larger than the gulag, intends to merge artificial intelligence with blockchain-those twin monsters of modern mythology-forcing them into a strange dance where crypto analytics meets some autonomous Web3 wonderland. Their treasury sits diversified, like some proverbial peasant hiding his few rubles beneath several mattress layers: BTC, ETH, and SOL. Because why trust one wooly beast when you can herd three?

Just a moon’s turn prior, Nasdaq-ever the eager beaver-rolled out new rules in a desperate bid to tidy its trading floor, now resembling a carnival of deceit. The familiar story unfolds: promoters inflate the price of a company’s stock until it balloons absurdly, then abandon it like an empty theater leaving common folk clutching but faded hopes and heavier losses.

This little guardian teams up with EMTE (which everyone totally knows about and trusts) to do some real-time ninja moves, making your crypto wallets safer than Fort Knox during a blackout. And the best part? It does all this without you lifting a finger-no confusing settings, no “did I do that?” moments.

A cool $100 million will be splashed around on improving everything from the farms themselves to the way they get the almonds from tree to, presumably, your almond milk latte. We’re talking 500 hectares (that’s 1,236 acres for those of us who prefer sensible measurements) plus facilities to churn out almond milk powder, oil, and extracts. It’s all dreadfully efficient, I suppose.