Crypto News

Polkadot (DOT) dangled precariously around the $4 mark, having clawed its way up 35% from its yearly lows. Not bad for something that’s been described as “hovering near its all-time low” so often you’d think it had wings. Investors, bless their hearts, have grown crankier than a toddler denied ice cream, watching DOT sit stubbornly in its tight range while they debate tokenomics with the fervor of medieval scholars arguing over how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. 👼

Xai, a blockchain gaming network crowned with its own token ($XAI), claims Musk’s venture has sown chaos in the market, as if someone had poured a vat of glitter into a server farm. The parent company, Ex Populus, insists its trademark is not a typo but a legacy, and Musk’s xAI is but a shadowy twin, lurking in the digital dusk.

The rollout-a word that makes one cringe as if recalling the sound of a rusted typewriter-will free 20% of allocations from funding rounds where tokens were sold at the laughable prices of $0.015 and $0.05. Imagine paying a cent for a ticket to a circus where the clowns are politicians and the elephants are lawsuits. Though these unlocked tokens represent a mere 5% of the supply, the remaining 80% will remain locked, as if chained to a throne of red tape. Founders and advisors, too, remain frozen, like statues in a museum of hubris.

This year’s trajectory has set the stage with a clarity that is almost poetic. The monthly returns for 2025 are as follows: January +46%, February -29.3%, March -2.52%, April +4.98%, May -0.80%, June +2.95%, July +35%, and August -0.09% (to date). This places Q3-to-date at a respectable +34.9%, a familiar prelude to the autumnal crescendo where summer’s languor gives way to a more spirited finale.

Deaton’s confidence isn’t just a wild guess. It’s rooted in some serious market trends. ETF analyst Nate Geraci noticed something interesting: spot ETH ETFs raked in a cool $340 million on Friday, bringing the total to $2.8 billion in net inflows for August alone. Meanwhile, Bitcoin ETFs lost $1.2 billion in the same period. Since July, spot ETH ETFs have attracted a staggering $8.2 billion in inflows, while Bitcoin ETFs managed a mere $4.8 billion. Talk about a game changer! 🎲

The price, it tries. Attempts, at least, in the same way Raskolnikov attempted murder and virtue: clumsy, uncertain, forever haunted by regret. Yet the barrier remains, unmoved, the quiet scorn of the midline keeping all aspirations firmly bearish, reminding us that hope, too, is often just another fancy word for delusion.

But what does this all mean, you ask? Let us break it down, my dear reader, with a bit of humor and a dash of sarcasm.

From its complacent $2.78 slumber, XRP sprang to a lively $3.10 on Friday, traders embracing the dip with revived optimism for the Fed’s mood. An unexpected twist in the tale was the court drama involving Ripple and the SEC-a saga now closing with the appeal’s final curtain drop, a much-needed reprieve from the legal limbo ensnaring the company for five remarkable years.

While most tokens enjoy their fleeting moments of glory during corrections-like a toddler proudly holding up a slightly lopsided drawing-technical and on-chain signals suggest PI’s downtrend is more stubborn than a cat refusing to get off your keyboard. Far from over, indeed.

According to CryptoQuant’s weekly report, Bitcoin’s market has shifted from “Extra Bullish” to what we might call the “Bullish Siesta” phase-a period where enthusiasm wanes, and everyone pretends they’re still excited but secretly just want to nap.