Crypto News

On the ninth day of December, in the year 2025, Wirex proclaimed in the fair city of London a marvel most wondrous: a one-click stablecoin yield for business accounts. Through their alliance with Morpho and Gauntlet, enterprises may now reap up to 6% APR on their USD and EUR stablecoin hoards, courtesy of Gauntlet’s USDC Prime vault upon Morpho’s Base deployment. And lo, there shall be no lockup periods, nor shall liquidity be constrained! 🏰

Metaplanet’s multiple to net asset value (mNAV) has ascended to 1.17, its loftiest perch since the crypto liquidation crisis that began on Oct. 10, according to the company’s dashboard. A dashboard, mind you, that probably smells of fresh ink and desperation. 📈💨

Rep. Self, ever the optimist, claims that his amendment is intended to “fix the bill.” One wonders if he knows that bills, like the rest of politics, are rarely ever ‘fixed.’ But hope springs eternal, as they say.

First off, there’s the pricing charade, where secondary brokers dangle quotes like a mirage in the desert. “Solid-looking,” they say, but built on sand-partial data, unreliable whispers. The buyer, poor soul, strides into negotiations blind as a bat in broad daylight, clutching a “market price” that might as well be written in disappearing ink. 🕶️✨

Jessica Gonzales, host of The Jessica Show, says the next few weeks set the stage for an entirely new liquidity cycle. 🎩✨ “Crypto in 2026 will look nothing like it does today.” Yep, because 2026 is basically the future, and we’re all just trying to survive until then. 🕰️

The waning participation of short-term traders is palpable, like a dying ember struggling against the cold night. The token’s price actions tremble, revealing the fragile dance of hopes and fears that haunt every market participant. The momentum, once a mighty river, now trickles away, despite the long-term structure whispering promises of future glory to the patient few. But patience, as always, is a virtue most often tested by the relentless march of time-and market crashes.

So, the CRA (that’s the Canadian Revenue Agency, for the uninitiated) has embarked on a crusade to make sure everyone reports their Bitcoin bonanza correctly. They’ve kicked off investigations, knocked on digital doors, and even managed to claw back some loot-though criminal charges seem to be taking a lengthy coffee break, as usual.

This CryptoQuant thing says Bitcoin exchanges have the fewest coins in… ever? Like, seriously? It’s like everyone’s suddenly decided to hide their Bitcoin under their mattress. Which, you know, makes sense. Banks are a mess. But still. They were supposed to be selling when the price dipped, right? A “sell-off?” Everyone always talks about a sell-off! Instead, they just… didn’t. They kept taking the stuff off the exchanges. People are holding! Holding onto something that could go down tomorrow! It’s irrational!

Compressed basis rates and dwindling open interest? My, how dreadfully dull. 🥱 The crypto market is consolidating faster than a Coward wit at a society ball. Institutional and retail darlings alike are clutching their pearls-and their BTC-with nary a thought for leverage. How utterly sensible… and utterly boring. 😴

Authorities aren’t worried about the assets themselves, but rather how some people are using them to commit crimes like illegal fundraising, financial fraud, and moving money out of the country. These actions are against the law in China and frequently prey on those who aren’t familiar with these types of systems.