tag and not repeated elsewhere. Avoid any markdown, just HTML. Let me piece it all together, making sure the structure is correct and the humor fits Sedaris’s style. Done in 8s. Dollar’s Midlife Crisis: Wells Fargo Predicts Financial Whiplash & Rate Cuts If you’ve ever wondered what happens when America’s favorite overachiever (the dollar) faces a slump, Wells Fargo has the tea. Spoiler: it’s less “global reserve currency” and more “midlife crisis with a 75-basis-point diet plan.” According to the bank’s economists, the dollar will trend weaker than my posture after a Netflix binge until year’s end. Why? The Fed is apparently auditioning for a reality show called Rate Cuts: The Comeback Trail, with 25-basis-point cuts scheduled for September, October, and December. Because who doesn’t love a three-part cliffhanger? “The U.S. economy will lose its outperformance pillar of support,” they say, which sounds like a tragic love story. Meanwhile, the rest of the world gets to play in a global popularity contest. “Foreign currencies can strengthen over the next few months,” they sigh, like they’re narrating a rom-com where the underdog wins. 🌍💸 But don’t worry-2026 is when the dollar gets its “carry appeal” on, according to Wells Fargo. Because by then, we’ll all be so used to tariffs, they’ll feel like cozy old sweatpants. Corporations will be “comfortable investing,” and the Fed will have finished its easing cycle. Which is just a fancy way of saying, “We’re done pretending we know what we’re doing.” “Big Beautiful Bill” (is that a nickname for the U.S. budget? A love letter to the Treasury?) will supposedly support growth, while the Fed “supports activity.” Because nothing says “economic stability” like a government acronym soup. 🍲 In the end, the dollar’s journey is just a lesson in patience: “Hold on, it gets better!”-or as the markets might say, “Here’s your 2026 comeback story.” 🚀
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Need to add some humor and sarcasm. Maybe refer to the dollar as “America’s favorite overachiever” now facing a slump. Use phrases like “economic growth trends favoring international economies” as a “global popularity contest”. Mentioning the Fed’s rate cuts as “diet plan” leading to “financial cellulite”.
Including quotes from the original but rephrased in a Sedaris-like tone. For example, turning “carry appeal of the dollar” into “carry appeal of the dollar should be attractive next year” becomes a joke about the dollar being a “financial accessory”.
Also, the part about tariffs and corporations getting used to them can be likened to “hostile in-laws” becoming more comfortable. Ending with a humorous note about the dollar needing a “financial therapist” and a “midlife crisis”.
Need to ensure all the key points from the original are covered but presented with a humorous twist. Check that the title is in the
