Crypto News

TheOnePct, in a fit of analytical brilliance, has been tracking Bitcoin’s price movements since 2021, and guess what? This current surge is still part of the correction that started almost five years ago. Yes, five years. Bitcoin’s been correcting itself longer than it takes to get a degree in quantum physics. Instead of being the bottom, this move is likely just the B-wave of the Flat correction. Because nothing says “I’m done falling” like continuing to fall sideways.

The FBI’s Louisville Field Office is now issuing a PSA that reads like a bad rom-com: “If you get a call from someone claiming to be the FBI demanding crypto payments, hang up. Also, never trust a man in a trench coat near a Bitcoin ATM.” Their March 18, 2026 advisory explains how fraudsters are now using caller ID like it’s a dating app-swipe right on “Government Agency” and boom, you’re on the hook for a scam. The goal? Get you to send money to a digital wallet faster than you can say “I’m not a fan of irreversible transactions.”

Polymarket, that blockchain-based parlor trick, has acquired Brahma-a DeFi startup with a penchant for programmable smart accounts and onchain execution. Fortune whispers of an undisclosed sum, but who needs numbers when you can have a $20B valuation? The deal, a third in under a year, signals a shift from mere user growth to… technical substrate? Whatever that means. Perhaps it’s a fancy way of saying “we’re building a castle in the clouds.”

Ah, the saga of the bankrupt crypto exchange FTX continues! They’re preparing to send out a staggering $2.2 billion to creditors as part of their grand restructuring plan. Because nothing screams “trust us” quite like a bankruptcy, right?

Distributions under the plan began in February 2025, with the inaugural round targeting Convenience Class claimants with claims under $50,000, resulting in around $1.2 billion. A generous gesture, no doubt, for those who had the misfortune of being small fry in a storm of greed.

And what numbers they were! The U.S. producer price data for March came in hotter than a jalapeno on a summer day-the PPI index leaped by 0.7%, while the forecasters were snoozing at 0.3%. That’s the biggest jump since last summer’s barbecue season. The annual PPI reading? A sizzling 3.4%. Talk about a wake-up call for the market-price pressure is here to stay, folks!

Alas, let us not be hasty! Though the stars may align, and the charts whisper of stability, XRP hath not yet donned the mantle of a full bullish trend. Nay, its decline merely slows, and buyers, those fickle suitors, step forth with cautious tread.

Summary

It appears that the modern alchemists of the digital age have discovered a way to turn their stablecoins into something resembling interest-though one suspects the real magic lies in the eyes of the beholder.

With Protocol 20 now in full effect, Pi hath acquired the capacity to support smart contracts-those self-executing covenants which automate payments, subscriptions, and digital assets with the precision of a well-tuned clock. Yet, as is prudent in matters of such magnitude, the rollout shall proceed in measured steps rather than a grand, hasty leap. The inaugural offerings shall be simple and user-friendly, with subscription-based services taking precedence, followed by escrow tools and NFT-related functions. This deliberate pace, one must commend, ensures stability while the novelties are introduced to the public.