Crypto News

In a video that might have been titled *The SBR Chronicles: A Tragicomedy in Five Acts*, Mallers, that 30-year-old Don Quixote of crypto, laments the government’s silence with the gravity of a man witnessing the fall of Rome. “They have let us down,” he sighs, as though the Founding Fathers themselves had misplaced their ledgers. The Strategic Bitcoin Reserve, that noble-sounding endeavor, is reduced to a whispered secret, its numbers cloaked in the same mystery as the Ark of the Covenant. “Clearly, this information is sensitive,” Mallers muses, “or else they would disclose it. Or perhaps they fear the world might laugh. A reasonable hypothesis.” 💸

You see, KakaoBank aspires to reign supreme in the glittering realm of digital currency, according to the ever-reliable ZDNet Korea, which, like a prudent first mate, reports that a crack team-comprising top KakaoPay brass-are leading this grand crusade. Because nothing screams stability quite like a tech giant dabbling in crypto, right? 🤹‍♂️

Ah, the “relatively balanced position”-a phrase as comforting as a samovar on a winter’s eve. Seventy percent of STHs still cradle profits like newborns, while the rest waltz between gain and loss with the grace of a drunkard on a tightrope. A midline of bull phases, they call it. How pedestrian! One might think the market’s heartbeat has been transplanted from a spreadsheet. 📊

Chief Financial Officer Kwon Tae-hoon, during the 2025 earnings call, casually mentioned they’re “reviewing methods like issuance and custody” to “actively participate” in the digital asset ecosystem. ZDNet Korea reported this with the enthusiasm of someone who just found out their ex is dating a toaster. 🤖

Now, BlackRock is no stranger to tossing golden coins in the crypto wishing well. They’re already running the biggest Bitcoin ETF out there, plus they recently chucked a shiny new Ether ETF onto the market. BlackRock, after all, never met an index-based investment it didn’t want to squeeze, toast, and butter for its loyal investors-giving them all a taste of just about everything. 🧈

The illustrious Independent Community Bankers of America (ICBA), a venerable society representing no less than 5,000 humble community banks scattered across the nation, has produced a formal objection-a document of no small length and considerable moral outrage-to Ripple Labs’ audacious application to be granted the lofty title of Ripple National Trust Bank (RNTB). In a letter most fiery, addressed to the esteemed Office of the Comptroller of the Currency (OCC) on the 4th of August, the ICBA contended that Ripple’s scheme to manage reserves for its RLUSD stablecoin strays perilously far from the original purpose of trust banks and seems to imitate the functions that proper banking institutions have long held sacred.

Yet, amidst this electronic ballet of ambitions, shadows of doubt linger – whispers of capital flight threatening to transform the grand plans into mere fables. China’s delicate dance with stablecoins is like a tightrope walk over the abyss, balancing the desire for international prestige against the stern watchfulness of rigorous controls, all while hiding a hint of skepticism about whether this shiny new thing will gnaw away at their carefully constructed financial fortress. 🧐

The estimable Chair Atkins, and the equally discerning Commissioner Peirce, have both deigned to issue statements – imagine! – on August 5th, 2025, concerning the agency’s revised opinions regarding liquid staking. It appears that letting people stake their digital baubles without immediately classifying it as a nefarious securities offering is now *official policy*. One is almost breathless with anticipation.

On a day that no one should miss, IREN announced it had mined 728 Bitcoin-yes, you heard it right-728!-while MARA sighed in envy with its mere 703 BTC. And how did this tiny titan manage it? With a measly does of 50 exahashes per second (EH/s), compared to MARA’s grand 58.9 EH/s. The secret? Well, apparently, IREN’s equipment was busier than a caffeinated squirrel, running at an average of 45.4 EH/s throughout July. Who knew you could outperform giants with less effort? Amazing! 🐿️⚡

Imagine this: Alderoty, that brave knight of the blockchain realm, sends a formal letter-or perhaps a scroll-ripping apart the draft legislation penned by policymakers who seem to think ‘regulatory certainty’ is a mythical creature like a unicorn sipping from a crypto fountain. His message? The bill’s attempt to split jurisdiction between SEC and CFTC is about as clear as mud on a rainy day.