Crypto News

Source – X (not, regrettably, a Bond villain—just Twitter)

Pseudonymous analyst Pentoshi, with a following of 868,800 on the social media platform X, foresees a rally in the crypto markets this month, fueled by a series of bullish catalysts. 🚀

The value of Ethereum (ETH) has *graciously* risen by 1.66% since yesterday. And, in a rather stunning display of what one might call “positive momentum,” over the last week, the price has risen by a very respectable 4.78%. Truly, *such a triumph* for this digital asset!

As he raps, “I look at this shit like a BTC, could be down this week, then I’m up next week,” one can’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all 😂. And yet, this line speaks to a larger truth: Bitcoin’s wild swings have become a cultural phenomenon, transcending the realm of finance blogs and entering the zeitgeist.

The price of Cardano (ADA) has gone up by 2.32% over the last 24 hours. 🎉🎉

“Wall Street is coming for bitcoin.” That phrase used to spark both hope and fear across crypto circles. Today, it’s just a plain ol’ fact. 🤷‍♂️

Satoshi-era wallets, usually as lively as last season’s fruitcake, have suddenly started moving coins and sending Twitter into full tinfoil-hat mode. Meanwhile, in Brazil, hackers decided that regular money-laundering was for amateurs, so they used crypto to rinse their ill-gotten gains, thus inventing “pro-level laundering.” And FTX, always up for a dramatic court appearance worthy of its own soap opera, is now begging the authorities to let them hand out assets to people in countries they usually try not to mention at parties. 🍾

Legendary market sage Daan Crypto, star of X (formerly known as Twitter but not at all “formerly” in terms of drama), bequeathed to mere mortals an X post on July 5. Waxing apocalyptic, he unveiled the sacred glyphs of liquidity, sourced from the oracle Coinglass. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth after a swath of leveraged positions was wiped out at $108,000—likely because traders thought “leverage” is just another word for “putting all your chips on red and hoping the roulette table likes you.”

But, alas, dear friends, this golden ticket cometh not without a price. Participants must stake a sum of 100,000 TON for a period of three years, and pay a one-time processing fee of $35,000. 💸 A small price to pay, indeed, for the privilege of residing in the land of gold and sunshine. And, as an added bonus, the process promiseth swift approval, with visas issued in under seven weeks! ⏱️

However, this period of price stagnation has presented a buying opportunity for long-term holders (LTHs), who are taking full advantage, much like a second cousin at a buffet. 🍽️