Crypto News

Per crypto.news, BONK hit $0.000034 last Monday (Asian time—because who cares about time zones?), up 200% from last month and 266% from its all-time low. And yes, it’s still 40% shy of its 2024 peak. Classic. 🙄

Yakovenko, never one to mince words, bellowed: “I’ve said this for years. Memecoins and NFTs are digital slop,” drawing a hilariously apt comparison to those shady loot boxes in mobile games that hook you faster than a bad habit. “People are throwing away $150 billion a year on this nonsense!” he cried. 😏

Per Forbes’ June 2024 ledger, CZ clutches 64% of BNB’s supply—89.1 million tokens, to be precise—while Binance itself hoards a polite 7%. This alchemy has vaulted him to 23rd on the global rich list, a feat achieved by marrying his 90% stake in Binance to his BNB hoard. One wonders if he’s planning to replace his yacht with a moonbase or simply host a lavish tea party for whales.

SUI’s been on a tear lately, busting through resistance like it was a piñata at a kid’s birthday party. Analysts are all abuzz, saying this could be the start of something big, with prices eyeing $8 as if it’s the finish line of a marathon I never signed up for. Ali Martinez pointed out that SUI escaped a symmetrical triangle that’s been lurking since early 2024—imagine that, a pattern where highs and lows get cozier until boom, breakout. It happened around $4.30, conveniently near some Fibonacci level that makes me feel dumber every time I hear about it. Now we’re talking targets like $5.29, $6.96, and $8.05—because why not throw in a few more numbers to confuse us all? 😏📊

Whale 0xF436 (likely related to DeFiance Capital) bought 30,366 $ETH($114M) in the past 28 hours.

Like ghosts rising from half-forgotten dreams, the words of Luca Netz, CEO and possibly secret Dostoevsky fan, returned to haunt the internet. In October 2024, he had the reckless audacity to hint at “buying OpenSea”. Imagine — a penguin, gazing longingly at the great blue void. This single utterance set the gossips ablaze. Did he? Would he? Did he at least borrow a paddle?

And lo, their holdings now soar to a magnificent 2,013 BTC, a veritable treasure trove that would make Scrooge McDuck weep with joy. With an astonishing yield of 1,410% year-to-date, one might wonder if they’ve uncovered the fabled Philosopher’s Stone of finance! Such an accomplishment surely deserves a hearty round of applause—or perhaps a gentle chuckle at the folly of ordinary investments. 🎩💸

Of course, rather than simply drowning their sorrows in a decent Riesling (as would any sensible person), Coinbase has opted for the much more dramatic route: a lawsuit. Yes, they’re suing! Because nothing says “hands across the blockchain” quite like a hefty pile of legal paperwork delivered with Teutonic precision.

Do you hear that? It’s the wailing sound of XRP’s decline screaming below the $3.250 support, desperately wishing it could be as cool as Bitcoin and Ethereum. So sad, isn’t it?

Apparently, the Cyprus authorities are now trying to unravel this modern-day mystery, with a small team of cybercrime detectives shrugging into their lab coats. The man claims—amidst the usual sighs—that his digital treasure trove, worth a small fortune in simple numbers, was stolen through a cyber-savory that knew how to pick a digital lock. The thieves, probably sipping coffee somewhere, managed to crack his email—because, as experts point out, leaving your password at ‘password123’ or the name of your lazy cat isn’t exactly Sherlock Holmes-level security.