Jupiter, that Solana-based darling of exchange aggregators, has launched Mobile V3, proclaiming it the first fully native pro trading terminal. They’re calling it a monumental milestone – because, really, who doesn’t love a bit of hyperbole? 🤷♂️ This update is aimed at traders seeking professional features via mobile-first crypto infrastructure, because apparently, desktops are so last season.
Avalanche AVAX, the cryptocurrency that’s as reliable as a teapot in a hurricane, shows signs of weakness after rejecting its previous support like a toddler refusing to eat vegetables. 🍅📉 The move suggests a short-term bearish setup, which is basically the crypto equivalent of a “I told you so” from your ex.
CEO Paolo Ardoino, ever the drama queen, confirmed the purchase on New Year’s Eve, because why not? 🥂 This marks the third time this year they’ve bought exactly 8,888 Bitcoin. Truly, a man with a plan-or perhaps a penchant for numerology? 🤷♂️
prices flatlined, yet custody fees turned conviction into negative returns-a modern-day Sisyphus trap. 😬
Justin Sun, founder of Tron, has increased his holdings in the LIT token by using funds from the Lighter Liquidity Protocol (LLP). Sun has converted about $33 million into 13.25 million LIT tokens over the past week. 🚀
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What unfolded across centralized and decentralized derivatives venues was not a single black swan event, but a slow-motion structural unwind.
Iran’s Ministry of Defense, now rebranded as “Mindex: Where Dreams of Profit Meet Missiles,” has boldly stated they’ll accept crypto, barter, or even Iranian rials (if you can find any). Their inventory? Emad missiles, Shahed drones, Soleimani-class warships… and let’s not forget the air defense systems that could probably shoot down a pigeon if it sneezes too loudly. 🕊️💣 “Sanctions? Pfft. We’ve got contingency plans involving pigeons and Morse code,” they reassure.
Darling XRP, you’ve lost your luster by dipping a measly 1% over the past 24 hours. It’s like watching a toddler climb down from the refrigerator with stoic determination-boring, but undeniably happening. 🧒
Somewhere, in the shadows of Binance, which is perhaps just a fancy digital tavern for the world’s money, whispers spread that all was not well-an attack, a breach, a hacking plot-so dramatic it’s the sort of thing a Russian novel could be built upon. But fear not, dear reader! Binance, in its wisdom, assured everyone that no sinister malware had invaded their systems, just the usual chaos of a slightly mad digital marketplace. Ah, the joys of randomness and bad ideas, intertwined like lovers in an epic saga of greed and folly.
