Crypto News

Grayscale & Bitwise Go All-In on TAO ETFs! Will AI Save Bittensor? 🚀

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Bitwise’s latest move? Filing 11 spot crypto ETFs with the SEC-because why stop at one when you can overload the regulator’s inbox? Among the glittering gems in their portfolio is the Bitwise TAO Strategy ETF, which promises to split funds 60/40 between TAO and an ETP. Because diversification is overrated, right?

Bitcoin Whales Spend $415M-What’s Next? 🚀

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On the fateful day of December 30, the on-chain oracle known as Whale Alert spied two titanic transfers, each a testament to the quiet alchemy of the market. A total of 4,658 BTC, a sum that would make a merchant’s eyes water, vanished into the ether, leaving behind only whispers of their origin. 🧠

tag and not repeated in the body. Maybe something like “Robinhood’s 2026 Market Outlook: Bulls, Bears, and Tech’s Slight Tantrum 🐂🐻” – that’s catchy, includes emojis, and has a humorous twist with “Tech’s Slight Tantrum.” “Robinhood Markets’ chief investment officer said the trading platform expects positive stock market performance in 2026, though returns may not reach double-digit levels.” In Wodehousian style, maybe something like: “The esteemed Robinhood Markets, that bastion of modern finance where the common man may dabble in the stock market without fear of being trampled by Wall Street elephants, has issued a pronouncement of sorts. Their Chief Investment Officer, a sagacious individual with a head for figures and a heart presumably untroubled by volatility, has opined that the stock market shall strut its stuff with a positive swagger in 2026. However, the returns, while respectable, may not quite reach the giddy heights of double digits.” Each bullet point needs humor. For example, “Retail activity remains strong but has cooled…” could become “Retail investors, those plucky foot soldiers of the market, continue to show pluckiness, though the fervor has cooled somewhat since the October frenzy. Participation and net buying are down from their late-October zenith, though there was a jolly good showing earlier in the year.” Including sarcasm and emojis. Maybe after mentioning the government shutdown and interest rates, add something like “Ah, the usual suspects: government shutdowns, interest rate shenanigans, and labor markets behaving like a toddler on a sugar rush. 🍼💼” Quotes from Stephanie Guild should be paraphrased with more flair. For instance, “For next year, we’re looking at still another strong year,” Guild said in the interview. “We’re not predicting double-digit returns for next year.” could be: “Guild, with the optimism of a man who has just discovered his umbrella works, declared that 2026 promises to be ‘still another strong year.’ However, she did not foresee returns prancing into double-digit territory.” The part about market diversification: “Guild indicated expectations for market diversification away from large-cap stocks…” might become “Guild hinted that the market’s love affair with large-cap stocks might cool, with growth spreading like gossip in a small town to other sectors. The tech sector, while still the belle of the ball, may find itself sharing the spotlight with less glamorous but perhaps more reliable suitors.” Ending with the crypto treasury part: “As of November, it doesn’t plan on creating a crypto treasury.” Add humor: “And in a move that might disappoint crypto enthusiasts, Robinhood has no intention of creating a crypto treasury as of November. Perhaps they’re waiting for the moon to align with Saturn before diving into the digital gold rush. 🌕🚀” Check for all images retained (none here), no tags, no color styles. Ensure title is in tag, under 100 characters, no explanations. Add emojis and humor throughout. Keep the HTML structure intact with the original tags. Make sure the rewritten text flows in Wodehouse’s style with elaborate sentences, wit, and a touch of sarcasm.End of Thought (22.18s) Robinhood’s 2026 Market Outlook: Bulls, Bears, and Tech’s Slight Tantrum 🐂🐻

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government shutdowns, interest rate shenanigans, and labor markets behaving like a toddler on a sugar rush. 🍼💼 Robinhood, ever prepared, has devised probability ranges for these scenarios. Their base case? “Solid strength,” she claimed, which sounds reassuringly like a firm mattress.

Grayscale’s TAO ETF Dream: Can They Outwit the SEC? 🤖💸

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Asset manager Grayscale Investments filed a Form S-1 registration statement with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) on Tuesday, seeking to convert its Bittensor Trust into a spot exchange-traded fund. The firm plans to list the product on the NYSE Arca exchange under the ticker symbol GTAO. Let me just say… plot twist! 🕵️

BNB’s $800 Stance: RSI’s Neutral Shift!

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BNB (BNB) price, though beset by waves of downside pressure, now exhibits early signs of stabilization, a feat most commendable. 🙌 The $800 support, once a mere whisper, now roars with vigor, reinforced by repeated closes above the Value Area Low and a notable absence of bearish fervor. 🧠

🚀 XRP to $3 in 48 Hours? This Genius Says Yes! 🤯

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Now, let’s put this into perspective. At the time of writing, XRP is lounging around at $1.87, according to CoinMarketCap, with all the urgency of a sloth on a Sunday afternoon. Its market value is a respectable $113.34 billion, and its 24-hour volume is about $1.72 billion. But if Kim’s prediction comes true, XRP’s market value would skyrocket to a jaw-dropping $181.82 billion. That’s right-we’re talking about a leap that would make it the fourth-largest cryptocurrency by market cap, just behind Tether, which is sitting pretty at $187.14 billion. 🤑📈

🚀 Schiff’s Silver Lining vs. Bitcoin’s Black Hole: Who’s the Real Scam? 🌕

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The drama unfolded when Schiff, in a move as predictable as a Hitchhiker’s Guide plot twist, praised silver’s plunge from $84 to $72 as a golden (or should we say, silvery?) opportunity. Meanwhile, he slammed a business intelligence firm’s Bitcoin strategy, claiming their $75,000 average purchase price had only netted a 16% gain over five years. “Poor!” he cried, clutching his gold bars like a hoarder in a post-apocalyptic sitcom. 🤑