Crypto News

The market’s equivalent of a teenager’s emotional breakdown? Probably crypto-native traders, according to JPMorgan (JPM). 🤷‍♀️

From October 6, 2025, to December 5, 2025, the residency will unfold like a well-rehearsed drama, complete with visa hurdles overcome and cities added to the itinerary. Dubai, San Francisco, New York, and Singapore-four hubs where founders can finally forget their passport numbers. Dubai, the central stage, will host the demo day during Binance Blockchain Week, because nothing says “global” like a week-long event named after a blockchain.

So, the orderbook data from CoinGlass is basically screaming, “HELP, WE’RE DROWNING IN RED INK!” 🩸 Bitcoin’s chilling at $104,500, clinging to the 200-day moving average like it’s the last slice of pizza at a party. 🍕 But the liquidity heatmap? It’s a ghost town. Buyers are hiding like they owe everyone money, and the only bids are hanging out near $100,000-$102,000, probably sipping margaritas and waiting for the apocalypse. 🍹💀

Amidst the clinking of cutlery and the fervent exchange of policy platitudes, one sentiment rang out with unmistakable clarity: the Trump administration was poised to crown the United States the most crypto-cherishing nation on earth. A sitcom of sorts, but with less laughter and more awkwardly placed investment portfolios.

Picture, if you will, a grand ballet of compliance and scrutiny, the goal being naught less than the strict adherence to the intricate tapestry of EU AML and counter-terrorism regulations. Particularly, the looming presence of the new MiCA licensing rules casts a long, sullen shadow over these exchanges like a melancholy cloud over a Parisian café.

A veritable circus of compliance checks, with Binance and Coinhouse playing the role of beleaguered clowns. 🎪

//media.crypto.news/2025/10/XRPUSDT_2025-10-17_10-54-06.webp”/>

My dears, in the wild jungle of crypto, presales are the crème de la crème of opportunities. These early-stage darlings raise funds for everything from meme coins (oh, the absurdity!) to utility projects and even those delightful degen shitcoins. 🪙💨

Dozens of exchanges, from the titanic Binance to the modest Coinhouse, now tremble under the weight of France’s regulatory gaze. The ACPR, that austere arbiter of financial virtue, has descended upon them like a vengeful angel, demanding proof of their righteousness in compliance, risk controls, and the sacred art of anti-money laundering. One might imagine Binance’s CEO weeping into a spreadsheet, whispering, “Not again… the risk controls!” 🤡

Ah, wretched Bitcoin, you pitiful creature of the digital abyss, lingering like a forsaken soul around a mere $105,000, what depths of despair have you sunk! Yet behold the grotesque spectacle of our nation’s fiscal soul, illuminated in a sepulchral September surplus, a twisted jest from the gods of coin and commerce. 💸