Coinbase Buys New Toy to Pretend They’re Not Just a Crypto Dumpster Fire 🤡💸

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What to know:

  • Coinbase just bought The Clearing Company, a startup that’s basically a glorified Excel spreadsheet… but with more buzzwords. Because why not? 🤷♂️
  • The deal brings in a team of ex-Excel jockeys who once traded in Monopoly money… now they’re calling it “blockchain” and charging you fees. Groundbreaking stuff. 🚀
  • Coinbase’s grand plan to become the “Everything Exchange”-because nothing says “trust us” like offering crypto, stocks, futures, and predictions about whether Taylor Swift will drop a new album. 🤷♂️

Coinbase (COIN) announced they’re buying The Clearing Company to grow their new prediction market. Because nothing says “financial expertise” like letting people bet on political elections and sports outcomes. Next, they’ll probably let us trade our souls on the blockchain. 🔥

San Francisco-based The Clearing Company is a startup led by Toni Gemayel, who’s basically the Elon Musk of “I once sold lemonade as a kid.” Terms undisclosed? Of course-they’re too busy counting zeros to tell us what the deal is worth. 💸

This transaction, expected to close in January, comes as prediction markets “take off” (read: people bet on whether your boss will quit). Weekly volume now hits $4B, according to Dune Analytics. Last week, Coinbase let users trade outcomes of “real-world events” like elections and sports. Because nothing says “stability” like letting people bet on your life choices. 🎲

Coinbase claims the deal brings in “experts” who’ve built event-based trading systems. Translation: They used to work at Polymarket and Kalshi, where they probably just copied-pasted code and called it “innovation.” 🤖

Last week, Coinbase said they’ll expand their platform to include “novel cryptocurrencies” (aka scams), perpetual futures contracts (because why not?), and stocks. Because they’re clearly not confused enough yet. 🤪

They’re positioning themselves as the “Everything Exchange.” Meanwhile, Robinhood, Kraken, and Gemini are already there. Classic move: Arrive late, act surprised, charge more fees. 🏃♂️💨

In August, The Clearing Company raised $15M in a seed round led by Union Square Ventures (who clearly need a hobby). Last month, they applied for a CFTC license to run a clearinghouse. Because nothing says “legitimacy” like regulatory red tape and a side of confusion. 📜

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2025-12-22 20:16