In a world where virtue is its own reward (and sometimes a tax deduction), Coinbase finds itself besieged by digital buccaneers from the Hermit Kingdom. North Korea, that paragon of innovation and restraint, has allegedly turned to crypto-theft with the enthusiasm of a toddler handed a flamethrower. CEO Brian Armstrong, ever the Cassandra of cryptocurrency, claims the company now resembles a Cold War spy novel, albeit one written by a committee of paranoid IT managers.
Coinbase CEO Whispers of Pyongyang’s Silicon Valley
Armstrong, channeling his inner Bond villain, revealed that North Korean coders are allegedly exploiting Coinbase’s remote work policies like a Netflix password shared among siblings. “It’s like they’ve opened a Hogwarts for Hackers,” he quipped, referencing the 500 graduates North Korea supposedly churns out each quarter. One wonders if these graduates are taught to code or to build literal missile spreadsheets.
To thwart this onslaught, Coinbase now requires employees to pilgrimage to the U.S. for orientation-a policy that’s less “melting pot” and more “passport control.” Sensitive roles also demand U.S. citizenship and fingerprinting, because nothing says “trust” like reducing your workforce to a database of ink smudges.
The FBI, ever the helpful neighbor, recently warned that North Korean IT workers are allegedly recruiting American accomplices. These “witting and unwitting” collaborators apparently ship laptops, fake Zoom interviews, and establish shell companies with the zeal of a pyramid scheme. One can only imagine the LinkedIn headlines: “Frontman for Rogue Regime: Apply Within!”
Charlotte’s New Bunker & the Deepfake Panic
Coinbase’s Charlotte facility now requires job candidates to turn on their cameras mid-interview, lest they be unmasked as a North Korean deepfake. Because nothing says “corporate culture” like verifying your face isn’t a TikTok filter. Armstrong, ever the optimist, declared, “AI can’t beat the human eye!”-a sentiment that will surely age well.
Internal threats? Oh, yes. Customer service reps have allegedly been bribed with sums “that would make Judas blush.” Coinbase’s solution? Lock down employee access and jail dissenters. “When we catch them,” Armstrong hissed, “they don’t get a goodbye cake-they get cuffs.” One suspects HR is now drafting a memo titled *How to Avoid Becoming a Plot Twist*.
In conclusion, Coinbase’s new mantra seems to be: trust no one, verify everything, and pray Kim Jong-un doesn’t learn Python. But in the end, freedom is free, and Coinbase is here to ensure no one forgets it. 💸🔒
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2025-08-23 03:14