Well, well, well, looks like the crypto market decided to go on a diet and shed a few trillion dollars. 🍔→🥗 The altcoins are crying into their blockchain-themed pillows as the market cap dropped nearly 2% to a measly $3.84 trillion. Bitcoin (BTC) tried to hit $116k on Monday but got stage fright and dipped below $115k. Now it’s sulking at around $113,770, down 2% in the last 24 hours. Poor baby. 😢
Ethereum (ETH) is also having a bad hair day, down almost 4% at $4,080. Ripple (XRP) and Solana (SOL) are down too, with SOL slipping below $200 like it’s trying to avoid a party it wasn’t invited to. Dogecoin (DOGE) and Cardano (ADA) are also in the dumps, because why should they have fun? Meanwhile, Hedera (HBAR) is the life of the party, up 14% at $0.206. Go, Hedera, go! 🎉
Michael Saylor’s Bitcoin Bet: Junk Status Achieved 🎲🗑️
S&P Global Ratings just gave Michael Saylor’s Strategy Inc. a big ol’ B- junk rating. Ouch. Apparently, betting the farm on Bitcoin isn’t the smartest move, who knew? 🤷♀️ The rating reflects Strategy’s “deep concentration in Bitcoin” (read: all their eggs in one crypto basket) and limited diversification. S&P is also worried about liquidity and risk-adjusted capitalization. Basically, they’re saying Strategy is a one-trick pony, and that trick is holding 640,808 BTC worth $74 billion. Yikes.
According to S&P, Strategy’s software business is basically a side hustle that doesn’t make enough money to save them if crypto prices tank. They reported $37 billion in negative operating cash flow in the first half of 2025 and have minimal dollar reserves. Most of their treasury is in BTC, because why have a safety net when you can live dangerously? 🪂
Strategy also has $8 billion in USD-denominated convertible debt maturing between 2028 and 2031, plus $640 million in annual preferred stock dividends. If the bear market sticks around, they might have trouble paying the bills. Someone call the financial therapist! 💸
Michael Selig: CFTC’s New Crypto Czar? 👑🤖
SEC official Michael Selig is up for CFTC Chair, and he’s ready to make America the “Crypto Capital of the World.” Bold words, Michael, bold words. 🦅 He’s promised to promote “Freedom, Competition, and Innovation,” which sounds like a campaign slogan for a crypto-themed superhero. 🦸♂️ Meanwhile, acting Chair Caroline Pham is ready to peace out once her replacement is confirmed. Girl, we get it. 👋
Selig’s nomination comes during a government shutdown that’s entering its fifth week. Republicans and Democrats are fighting over healthcare cuts and subsidies, because nothing says “functional government” like a good old-fashioned stalemate. 🤡
Ro Khanna: Trump, Stay Out of My Crypto! 🚫🤑
US Representative Ro Khanna is on a mission to ban President Trump, his family, and members of Congress from trading crypto or stocks. Why? Because Trump’s son’s crypto project, World Liberty Financial, smells fishy, and the pardon of Binance CEO Changpeng Zhao screams “corruption.” 🦑 Khanna’s bill aims to stop elected officials from profiting off their positions. Good luck with that, Ro. 🍀
Bitcoin ETPs: Inflation Data to the Rescue! 📈💉
Crypto ETPs are bouncing back like they’re on a trampoline, thanks to lower-than-expected inflation numbers. CoinShares reports $921 million in inflows last week, offsetting the previous week’s outflows. Investors are betting on a Fed rate cut, because who doesn’t love a good economic rollercoaster? 🎢
James Butterfill from CoinShares notes that the government shutdown has left investors in the dark about US monetary policy. Great, just what we need-more uncertainty. 🤦♀️
Bitcoin (BTC) Price Analysis: Will It Bounce or Flop? 🎭
Bitcoin dropped like a rock over the past 24 hours, but it’s trying to recover. It hit $116k on Monday but lost steam and settled at $114,087. Now it’s trading around $114,205, because drama is its middle name. One analyst is watching for a “Head & Shoulders” bearish reversal setup, which sounds like a bad haircut for BTC. ✂️
Miners are finally taking a breather from selling their BTC to cover expenses, and transaction costs are up, making them happier. Big wallets are accumulating, and support has strengthened around $111,400. But with resistance at $116,900, BTC might just consolidate and wait for the FOMC meeting. Because why make decisions when you can procrastinate? 🗓️
Ethereum (ETH): Corporate Love Affair Continues 💼❤️
Ethereum lost momentum after hitting $4,266 on Monday, but corporate holders like SharpLink Gaming are still buying. They just snapped up 19,271 ETH worth $78.3 million, bringing their total to over 859,000 ETH. That’s $3.6 billion in ETH, because why not? 🤑 Corporate treasuries now hold 5.98 million ETH, worth $25.18 billion. Someone’s got a type. 😉
Solana (SOL): Institutional Love is in the Air 💖
Solana bounced back to $200 after a Monday dip, thanks to fresh institutional money flowing into the REX-Osprey Solana + Staking ETF. It’s now managing over $400 million, and Fidelity’s support is giving SOL street cred. The NYSE just certified Bitwise’s staking product, so the Bitwise Solana ETF could launch any day now. Eric Balchunas from Bloomberg is hyped: “This is happening!” 🚀
Aptos (APT) and Jupiter (JUP): The Weekend Warriors 🏄
Aptos and Jupiter had a wild weekend, with APT surging 8% on Sunday and JUP rallying nearly 13% on Friday. But Monday brought the blues, with APT down 4% and JUP down 2%. Such is life in crypto-one day you’re a rockstar, the next you’re eating ramen. 🍜
So, there you have it, folks. The crypto market is a hot mess, but at least it’s entertaining. Stay tuned for more drama, because this train isn’t stopping anytime soon. 🚂💨
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2025-10-29 12:16