In the grand theater of life, where fortunes are made and lost with the flick of a blockchain, Arthur Hayes-co-founder of BitMEX-has decided to hedge his bets. After receiving a pardon from former U.S. President Donald Trump earlier this year, Hayes has turned his gaze toward an even more audacious gamble: living forever.
Reports from Bloomberg reveal that Hayes has sunk a considerable sum into a stem cell company, where he has been a loyal customer for over a year. This mysterious clinic, operating in both Mexico and Bangkok, offers infusions designed to stretch not just lifespans but also the boundaries of human hubris. In a moment of profound existential clarity-or perhaps sheer vanity-Hayes declared, “I want to live as long as possible, as healthy as possible.” Ah, who wouldn’t? He’s so convinced of this fountain-of-youth scheme that he’s joined the board of the company, though its name remains shrouded in secrecy due to a rebranding process. How delightfully cryptic!
Of course, this newfound obsession with longevity comes after years of legal drama worthy of a Russian novel. Charged alongside his BitMEX co-founders in 2020 for violating the Bank Secrecy Act, Hayes pleaded guilty in 2022, forked over $10 million, and received probation. A presidential pardon later wiped the slate clean, though Hayes admits it didn’t alter his jet-setting lifestyle much. Skiing in Japan? Check. Living in Singapore? Double check. Writing essays that blend markets, memes, and money? Naturally. One such essay, “Dust on Crust,” even inspired Ethena’s synthetic dollar-a project now valued at over $11 billion. Truly, the man is a Renaissance figure of our absurd times.
But wait, there’s more! Hayes isn’t the only crypto titan chasing eternal youth. Vitalik Buterin, Ethereum’s wunderkind, has donated millions to life-extension research, while Coinbase CEO Brian Armstrong co-founded NewLimit, a biotech firm that raised $130 million this year. Meanwhile, Hayes’s family office, Maelstrom, dabbles in digital asset treasuries, though his partner warns that his enthusiasm might veer into dangerous territory. Perhaps they fear he’ll try to upload his consciousness to the cloud next?
And so, dear reader, we find ourselves witnessing a peculiar intersection of wealth, technology, and humanity’s age-old desire to cheat death. Whether these efforts will yield immortality or merely inflate egos further remains to be seen. Either way, one thing is certain: if they succeed, future generations may curse them for their inability to leave the stage gracefully. đźŽđź•°ď¸Ź
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2025-08-20 23:34