Crypto Panic! Trump Throws Tariff Grenade & Coins Go Down Faster Than Matzo Balls

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What a week! First, everyone’s as giddy as a cat in a fish market—then suddenly the mood turns more sour than my Aunt Esther’s borscht. Why? Turns out the hot new flavor, Pump.fun’s PUMP token, was all buzz and no bite when Gate.io yanked its presale like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat—except in this case, the hat was empty and everyone was left applauding thin air. 💸🎩

Not to be outdone, Bit Digital decided to play “now you see it, now you don’t!” with their Bitcoin. Poof! Sold every single coin and hopped on the Ethereum bandwagon like it was the last train out of Crypto City. They’re sitting on 100,000 ETH now. $254.8 million! If they were any more all-in, they’d have run out of chips.🪙🚂

But wait! The real comedy started when President Trump skipped the tariffs appetizer and went straight to the main course: surprise tariff letters to 14 countries. Yes, you heard right—14! If only he sent love letters as efficiently. The crypto market nose-dived 4.5%, and even Dogecoin, the class clown, stopped barking. Picture Bitcoin and Ethereum tripping over their shoelaces, pulling stocks and everyone else down with them. Absolute slapstick, only your wallet is crying. 🥲

BREAKING: President Trump sends out more “tariff letters” with the following tariff rates announced today:

1. Cambodia: 36%
2. Thailand: 36%
3. Bangladesh: 35%
4. Serbia: 35%
5. Indonesia: 32%
6. Bosnia: 30%
7. Tunisia: 25%
8. Japan: 25%
9. South Korea: 25%

These tariffs are…

— The Kobeissi Letter (@KobeissiLetter) July 7, 2025

Tariffs Target 14 Nations—And Guess What? The List Ain’t Closed!

Trump’s new collectors’ edition tariffs—25% to 40%—drop August 1st. South Korea, Japan, Malaysia, South Africa… pretty much everyone but the Girl Scouts. Donnie says, “trade deficit, blah blah, it’s your fault, so here’s a nice fat bill.” Critics like Peter Schiff are screaming, “Oy vey, you missed the plot!”—pointing out that maybe, just maybe, it’s not the world’s fault that America can’t win a game of economic tic-tac-toe. 🇺🇸🖊️

Trump’s letters to Japan and South Korea demonstrate a complete lack of understanding of trade. Tariffs have nothing to do with America’s trade deficits with either nation. Japan’s tariffs on U.S. goods average less than 2%, and Korea’s average less than 1%. Our trade deficits…

— Peter Schiff (@PeterSchiff) July 7, 2025

Some folks swear it’s all about BRICS, China, and scaring Japan and Korea into being America’s best friends forever. The Tariff Tango: back for a second season, only with less dancing and more diplomatic headaches.

Fed Cut Dreams? Fuhgeddaboudit!

And just as everyone’s checking their pockets for loose change, here comes Jay Powell and his gang hinting there might be no rate cut at all. The “chance of a September cut” fell from 90% to 61.9%—which, coincidentally, is about the same odds as me winning the lottery or making sense of Bitcoin price charts. Yields are up, traders are down, and everyone’s starting to wonder if anyone’s steering this economic jalopy. 🚗💨

With more tariffs than a deli’s got pickles and the crypto market in freefall, traders are strapping in for a ride bumpier than a Brooklyn cab after midnight.

Crypto: Now with Extra Nerves

The mere whiff of more tariffs sent investors’ confidence packing its bags. Altcoins are limping along with all the grace of a drunk flamingo. Bitcoin (BTC) slipped 1.56%—didn’t even stick around for a bagel at $108K, now lounging limply at $107K. Ethereum drooped to $2,554. On the bright side, XRP and Polygon managed a weak little wave, but Dogecoin and Solana face-planted onto the digital pavement. 🦩🥯

No time for a shiva just yet—the real drama is coming with “Crypto Week” starting July 14. Congress is rolling out the CLARITY Act and the Anti-CBDC Surveillance State Act. The future of digital assets might just get written by a committee that couldn’t program their TiVo.

Stocks and Miners: The Downward Conga Line

Crypto’s not alone on this banana peel. Bitcoin miners took a hit, MicroStrategy dropped 2%, Robinhood shed 1%, and the Dow Jones lost 422 points—enough to make anyone consider day-drinking. S&P and NASDAQ rolled downhill in sympathy, because misery, as always, loves a parade.

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2025-07-08 13:23