Ethereum to $5,700? Or Will It Crash Harder Than My Dating Life?

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So, Ethereum’s been sideways more than a Larry David monologue, and now some guy named Jonathan Carter-crypto analyst, apparently-thinks it’s about to hit $5,700. Sure, Jan. Because nothing says “reliable prediction” like a guy drawing lines on a chart and calling it an ‘ascending channel.’ Next thing you know, he’ll be predicting my next relationship based on my coffee stains.

Why Ethereum Might Hit $5,000 (Or Maybe Not, Who Knows?)

Carter’s over on X (yeah, Twitter, but let’s call it X because we’re fancy now) saying Ethereum’s in this ‘ascending channel.’ Sounds like a bad dating app for elevators. Anyway, he’s all bullish because the price hasn’t broken below the channel yet. Great. My ex didn’t break my heart either-doesn’t mean she’s coming back.

Apparently, the price is trading near the lower border of this magical channel. Bullish, they say. I say it’s like being ‘almost’ on time for a meeting-still late, but hey, you tried. And if the $1,900 support holds, the bears can’t pull the price down. Unless they’re Russian bears. Those guys don’t care about support levels.

Oh, and whales are accumulating during this sideways movement. Because nothing says ‘bullish momentum’ like a bunch of whales sitting around waiting for the next big wave. Meanwhile, I’m just waiting for my Seamless order.

Carter’s got five recovery targets. Five. Like we’re playing bingo. First stop: $2,350. Then $2,800. After that, $3,550. Then $4,700. And finally, the grand prize: $5,700. But only if the channel holds and the support doesn’t break. So basically, it’s all contingent on Ethereum not being as flaky as my Wi-Fi.

But hey, if it all goes south, at least we’ll have a good story to tell. “Remember when Ethereum was supposed to hit $5,700? Good times.” Right up there with “Remember when Larry David tried to invest in crypto?”

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2026-04-07 14:29