North Korea’s 2025 Crypto Caper: $2B Stolen with Fewer Hacks! 😲

by

Well now, if you’ll pardon my astonishment, but the boys in Pyongyang have outdone themselves in 2025. Chainalysis says they’ve snatched over $3.4 billion in cryptocurrency this year alone-though half of it was just one big heist at Bybit, which makes me wonder if they hired a steamboat pilot to row them straight into the vault. 😂

It seems the art of crypto crime has evolved from mere thievery to a full-blown ballet of chaos. Personal wallets, once the quiet bystanders, now play lead roles in this digital circus, accounting for 44% of stolen value. But let’s not forget the old standbys-centralized services, which still manage to trip over their own keys and hand over 88% of the loot in Q1. A man could lose his hat trying to keep up! 🎩

The gap between garden-variety thefts and the grand slams has grown wider than the Mississippi in flood season. In 2025, the biggest hack was 1,000 times larger than the median one-a feat that would make even the most seasoned riverboat gambler blush. And let’s not overlook the top three hacks, which gobbled up 69% of the year’s losses. Talk about a lopsided poker game! 🃏

North Korea, the ringmaster of this operation, stole $2.02 billion this year-up 51% from last. They’ve gone from a few quick strikes to a full-scale invasion, with hackers infiltrating exchanges like they’re hunting for treasure in a digital pirate’s den. And their laundering? Oh, it’s a symphony of small tranches and back-alley services, all conducted with the subtlety of a pickpocket in a crowded market. 🕵️♂️

As for the rest of us, we’re left to scratch our heads and wonder why anyone still trusts a “secure” platform. If you can’t keep a few keys safe, perhaps it’s time to trade in the vault for a squirrel’s nest. After all, even the squirrels know better than to leave their acorns in a place where the locks are as flimsy as a politician’s promise. 🐿️

Read More

2025-12-18 16:34