This general air of despondency, rather tellingly, is now confirmed by all those terribly modern ‘on-chain’ statistics. It seems the current malaise isn’t simply a passing fit of nerves, but something rather more…fundamental.
What once was a humble wallet now dons a crown of tokens, promising to turn every scroll, swipe, and sigh into a golden goose. 🦆💸
This marks a significant shift from years of regulatory uncertainty that left many traditional financial institutions unable to offer crypto custody services. The guidance provides clear rules for firms wanting to hold tokenized stocks, bonds, and other digital securities on behalf of clients. 📜✨
Thursday afternoon saw crypto markets stumbling-Bitcoin broke $85,000 support like an amateur trying to dunk and fell to $84,500, the lowest in almost three weeks. It bounced back, probably embarrassed, but the damage was done.
In October 2025, President Donald J. Trump issued a pardon for Changpeng “CZ” Zhao, founder of Binance. Zhao had pleaded guilty in November 2023 for not putting in basic anti-money laundering protections. The White House framed the pardon as an ending to the so-called “war on crypto.” Yet analysts and investigators caution that the problems underlying them remain. 🐍💸
The wallet in question? It had been funded for a mere 44 days. That’s less time than it takes to binge-watch The Crown. And guess what? The drainer seized control of the multisig just six hours after it was created. Six. Hours. Like a crypto break-in with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. 🤡
Claims of a 100 EH/s collapse were met with polite eye-rolling by pool-level data, which suggested the disruption was about as impactful as a hiccup at a black hole convention. The chaos began when Jack Jianping Kong, founder of Nano Labs (formerly Canaan co-chair), casually mentioned Xinjiang inspections had “knocked out 400,000 rigs and 8% of hashrate in a day.” Spoiler: He forgot to mention he was probably hallucinating.
Timmer once boldly claimed Bitcoin would outperform gold in the second half of 2025. Spoiler: Gold mooned Bitcoin so hard, it left a crater. 🌕 The digital coin? It’s been more “swoon” than “soar,” like a romantic comedy where the lead trips over their own feet.
Apparently, this makes Taiwan the eighth-largest government holder of Bitcoin worldwide. Not exactly the kind of bragging rights to put on your dating profile, but hey, it’s impressive. The government is now debating whether to turn these confiscated goodies into a formal reserve or just splash out and buy some more croissants with it. Decisions, decisions! 🤷♂️
The first act? A multi-year partnership with Intuit, that titan of TurboTax, QuickBooks, and Credit Karma. Imagine, dear reader, a world where your tax refund arrives not in days, but hours, while Circle’s USDC slithers into your small-business invoices like a serpent in the Garden of Finance. 🐍💰