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As tremblings set into the hands of analysts (those tireless monks of Wall Street, forever calculating salvation in spreadsheets), Fortune delivers their latest gospel. The jobs report, much awaited, arrived like an aging czar-tardy and disappointing. Seventy-three thousand jobs, they say! Not even a hundred thousand-oh, how the mighty have fallen. May and July, our former heroes, have been demoted too: their numbers revised downward, puncturing the brave faces of forecasts past. Who revised them? Is it an act of accounting, or a Dostoevskian confession?

Whale Alert, our diligent blockchain Sherlock, spotted 20 million XRP-roughly $60.6 million, because why not throw in a fancy number-to be transferred from the illustrious South Korean exchange Upbit into the ether of black boxes. Or, you know, an unknown wallet. Because what’s a whale’s treasure if not a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in blockchain? 🚢🔍

Thankfully, the hiccup was brief – like a bad joke at a family dinner – but it did turn the spotlight back onto the magical mystery tour of centralization. And everyone loves a good mystery, especially when it involves a chain stopping dead in its tracks.

But hold on to your hats-$ETH is makin’ a gritty little crawl back up to $3,650, and some folks are startin’ to think the tide might be turnin’ faster than a hound after a coon. Several technical signs are flickerin’ like fireflies, suggestin’ a squeeze might be on the horizon, and those late bear skeptics could end up lookin’ real foolish. 🤓

Chainlink Data Streams are providing real-time, high-throughput pricing for TradFi assets such as SPY, CRCL, QQQ, NVDA, AAPL, MSFT, and much more. These Data Streams are now available across 37 different blockchain networks.

This grand plan is designed to clear up precisely how Joe and Jane Investor might weave through the labyrinth of leveraging, margin calling, or borrowing-because nothing screams ‘fun’ like risking your hard-earned cash on a rollercoaster you don’t fully understand. 🎢💰

CrediX, which apparently moonlights as both a “money market abstraction infrastructure protocol” and a medieval negotiator, struck a deal with the attacker. According to their announcement on X (formerly Twitter), the exploiter agreed to return the stolen assets in exchange for an undisclosed payment from the CrediX treasury. Because, obviously, why wouldn’t they? It’s almost as if the hacker had a sudden attack of conscience-or maybe they just got scared after SlowMist published their IP address analysis hinting at a Hong Kong connection. Either way, the funds are coming home, and CrediX plans to airdrop them back to affected users within 48 hours. How delightfully efficient! 🚀

Notre ami, le célèbre trader crypto Michael van de Poppe, voit dans cette petite pause un signe divin. Il proclame que ce repli offre une occasion unique à ceux qui ont manqué le spectacle initial de s’installer confortablement avant le grand final.

Ah, the dance of commerce! Solsniper, a young sprig founded in 2021, has been plucked from the garden of innovation. Its precision tools, akin to a surgeon’s scalpel, allow traders to monitor tokens, track wallet activity, and react to market whims with the swiftness of a fox. According to Phantom, it is the darling of Solana’s power users, a favorite child in the ecosystem’s nursery. 🦊📈

Commissioner Peirce, with her usual blend of elegance and erudition, argued that the current financial surveillance regime is as outdated as a Victorian corset. Overregulation, she posited, is not only oppressive but often quite useless, like a broken clock that tells the wrong time twice a day. She urged a more measured approach to data collection, emphasizing that while protecting families and communities is essential, financial privacy must be guarded with the zeal of a dragon hoarding its treasure. 🐉