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A list of facts so dry, they’d make a librarian weep. But fear not! Here’s the drama: Grayscale is now the ultimate gatekeeper of intellectual property, because nothing says “innovation” like charging fees for the right to use someone else’s ideas. 🤡

Framed by the White House as the most comprehensive federal assessment since… well, ever, the report urges Congress to grant the Commodity Futures Trading Commission spot-market authority, implores the SEC to embrace sandboxes, and reiterates the administration’s disdain for central-bank digital currencies. Yet, after 160 pages of granular recommendations, the only mention of the fabled Strategic Bitcoin Reserve (SBR) is tucked into a section titled “Cementing US Leadership through the Bitcoin Strategic Reserve and US Digital Asset Stockpile”—a phrase so grand it could double as a Shakespearean tragedy. 🎭

Visa, ever the social climber, has now opened its doors to four blockchains and four stablecoins (including PayPal USD and Circle’s EURC). Stellar’s invitation to this digital soiree means Visa partners can now settle transactions on its network, fulfilling Stellar’s 2014 promise of “faster, cheaper cross-border payments” – a claim as old as the blockchain itself. 🚀

And just like that, Bitcoin waltzed into the top five most valuable assets on this spinning rock we call Earth. No slow burn here—just a 13% leap in a week, fueled by ETFs and bigwigs throwing money like confetti. 🎉

Get that coffee brewed, because the big players are whispering secrets louder than your neighbor’s loud lawn mower. Rumors of supply shocks, strategic lootings, and liquidity squeeze plays are swirling so fast you’d think Bitcoin is auditioning for a magic show. Spoiler: it might just pull a rabbit out of the hat—probably a very expensive rabbit.

With this latest acquisition, SharpLink’s hoard swells to a staggering 449,276 ETH, valued at approximately $1.73 billion. One can almost hear the champagne corks popping in their boardroom, though one suspects they’re toasting with something far more expensive. 🥂 Their mid-July spree—16,374 ETH for $48.85 million—briefly crowned them the second-largest corporate Ethereum holder, a title they wear with the grace of a peacock and the subtlety of a brass band. By July 27th, their holdings had ballooned by 21%, a testament to their unyielding ambition or, perhaps, their unquenchable thirst for risk. 🦚

Why celebrate? Because it’s exactly what this token needed after a tumble that would make a rollercoaster ride look stable. 🚀

While humanity has long understood that good information is worth its weight in gold (or Bitcoin), the term “Info-Fi” is a shiny new invention birthed by the crypto zeitgeist. None other than Ethereum’s own Vitalik Buterin championed the idea, suggesting that prediction markets are not merely playgrounds for gamblers but engines of truth—albeit ones fueled by greed and speculation 💡.

Ah, the SEC—ever the enigmatic overseer of the financial world. Now, it seems they’ve devised a new “general listing standard” that could expedite the approval of altcoin ETFs by September or October. 📅 But, of course, nothing is ever straightforward in the labyrinth of bureaucracy.

Not to be outdone, Uncle Sam’s Federal Reserve also decided to take a breather. After Chair Jerome Powell dropped a little nugget about tariff-driven inflation being in its “infantile” stage (thanks to some trade shenanigans), the Fed too sat tight. It’s like watching a sitcom where nothing ever changes—except the endless reruns of “Let’s Not Raise Rates.” 🤣