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Here’s the thing: Ethereum’s global appeal comes down to one word: credibility. Unlike your ex, who always had excuses, Ethereum is never down, ever. Oh, and did we mention it has the economic security to back up the world’s entire financial system? No big deal, right? But don’t take our word for it-Captain GM (yes, that’s actually a person, not a spaceship) says ETH isn’t fast enough for trading. It wasn’t built for speed. Gasp.

“Donald Trump has turned the Oval Office into the world’s most lucrative crypto startup-less Silicon Valley, more Silicon Shenanigans. Billions made, safeguards broken, and a side of pardons for fraudsters who crypto their way out of trouble. Meanwhile, America’s real issues-healthcare, food, troops-are just collateral damage in this criminal comedy.”

Now, as fires go, this one was caused by something as charmingly mundane as an “electrical switchgear failure.” Yes, folks, it’s the kind of thing that can happen when you mix heavy-duty mining with electrical equipment that probably hasn’t been given a good look in years. 🙄

Our good friend Dark Defender – and no, that’s not a superhero, just an analyst with maybe a little too much free time – says XRP has wrapped up its monthly “Wave 4 correction” based on Elliott theory. Basically, it’s had its little tantrum at $1.88, which lines up with a Fibonacci extension (fancy math stuff that traders love). Now, it’s eyeing a resistance line like it’s eyeing the last slice of pizza. If it can break that line and punch through $2.22, we might be flirting with Wave 5 – which, in crypto talk, means things could get really fun, really fast. According to Dark Defender,

Mark your calendars for 2026, when new domestic rules shall sprout like edelweiss in spring. Yet the international data-sharing spectacle, once slated to debut with fanfare, now lingers in the wings. 🎭 Awaiting its cue, perhaps?

Tom Lee’s BitMine Immersion Technologies, with all the subtlety of a stampede, added 14,618 ETH to its corporate treasury Thursday. This occurred after Ethereum briefly flirted with $3k-a price level one might reach if they squinted at a chart while under the influence of caffeine and delusion. Arkham data, via Lookonchain, confirms the $44.34 million purchase from wallet “0xbd0b609b6d3433b75f46b053284d7d3” at BitGo. Naturally, BitMine has not confirmed this, because transparency is for people who lack imagination. 🕵️♂️

One analyst explained that Bitcoin must break above a the resistance range around $92,800 to $101,180 to confirm stronger upside move. A more decisive sign would come if the price moves beyond $101,180, an area that includes the 55-week exponential moving average, currently near the $98,000 level. 🛑

The government, led by the ever-watchful President Serdar Berdymukhamedov-whose signature now brands a nation’s hope (or folly)-has enacted a law that clandestinely sanctifies the creation and circulation of digital tokens within their borders. Yes, blockchain, NFTs, mining-these words now dance across official pages like drunken poets at dawn, definitions etched in stone, and jobs supposedly created, though one suspects these might be more fiction than fact. 🎭

The Ripple universe buzzes with activity, but let’s not pretend it’s a beehive of miracles:

Indeed, KTA has had its moments of merriment during the bear market’s somber soiree. Remember when it danced its way up after the Coinbase listing? Now, it’s waltzing with payment giants, and the market structure is shifting faster than a London fog. 🌫️💼