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Chainalysis, that sage of the cryptographic realm, reveals with a suitable flourish that in the year of our Lord 2024, these scammers have whisked nearly $10 billion across the digital ether. The pig-butchering enterprise’s revenues have seen a near-titanic ascension by 40%, while their duplicitous coffers swell with a 200% increase in deposit frequency, despite a rather daintier retreat in the size of individual contributions-a movement reminiscent of a desperate pursuit after honey but on a decidedly less ambrosial scale.

Les dernières fumées additionnées par Harvard, abordant les coffres de l’Administration Secrète des Boites à l’atteinte de la Commission, jaillissantes d’une richesse empoignant le Bitcoin comme un mari maladroit irait pour une danse! Notre docte Université apparaît désormais avec pas moins de 6,813,612 actions du BlackRock’s IBIT, pour une enchère montant à près de 442.8 millions d’écus, comparé à l’erbe modeste de 117 millions d’écus antérieurement! En vérité, ce serait presque une Hymne à l’amour en contrepoint!

Here is an in-depth fact-check to clarify the situation, lest we all end up with the mental clarity of a confused pigeon.

Yet, the soothsayers of the crypto bazaar whisper: “Fear not, for this gloom shall pass like a drunken bear’s hiccup!” 🍻 Analysts, with their charts and tea leaves, predict this bearish mood will be shorter than a Bolshevik’s promise.

As central banks grapple with the dizzying whirlwind of blockchain and tokenization, the CNB has decided to dip its toe into the bubbling cauldron of digital assets. On the fateful day of November 13, the CNB conjured up a $1 million digital-asset test portfolio-pay no mind to the international reserves, dear readers-that will serve as a shiny experimental sandbox for all things technological turmoil. 🙃

Now, the banking groups argue that these perks are a form of “indirect interest.” Oh, naturally, because anything that doesn’t involve swiping a credit card or racking up ridiculous fees must surely be up to no good. 🙄

Oh, how the mighty fall, or rise, depending on your perspective. The BIT narrative, that elusive ghost, now whispers through the halls of Solana’s infrastructure. An analyst, CryptoDoc, proclaims with the fervor of a prophet that Bitdealernet is crafting an asset-backed meme launchpad, where every token is tethered to the glittering, yet hollow, world of iGaming. A realm of millions, all dancing to the tune of digital serfdom. The project, with its DeFi alliances, becomes a savior-or a scam-depending on whom you ask. Axiom, Bonkbot, Photon, BullX: these names echo like sacred scrolls, their promises as fleeting as a cryptocurrency’s value.

Travis Ford, founder of Wolf Capital Crypto Trading LLC, was sentenced to five years in federal prison yesterday for his participation in a cryptocurrency investment fraud. As per official documents, he defrauded around 2,800 investors of $9.4 million by promising 1-2% daily returns. (Because who doesn’t want to be Scrooge McDuck in a crypto bathtub?) 🦆💰

In the first 40 days of Trump’s presidency, Bitcoin stumbled out of the gate like a toddler on a sugar high. It fell below the 0% mark almost immediately and kept sliding downward like it had a personal vendetta against the bulls. First, it dipped to -10%, and then it plunged to -20%. All this chaos was set off by Trump’s tariff announcements, making the market feel like it had been kicked in the teeth-despite Trump’s claims of being “pro-crypto.” Apparently, words and policies don’t always go hand-in-hand.

With the cost of electricity hovering at a modest $0.06 per kWh, even the most efficient machines (those paragons of 27.5 W/T) barely sip from the chalice of profit, scraping by at $97,000 per Bitcoin. A breakeven so tenuous it makes a goose chase seem optimistic.