$XRP update:
Thought I was hot stuff for 5 minutes? Broke up with the bull run and moved to Bali. 🏝️Sold my bags because meh, giant tentacle crypto is already winning. Turning my accounts into a ghost town until something dares to break $10M.
This kerfuffle heralds a new age for Ripple’s court, where beggars and kings might dine in the same crypto tavern. After years of regulators batting you about like a rogue toad in a sock, they now nod with the solemnity of a jester crowned emperor. Institutional nodwits now gawk at you as a “legit digital commodity.” Puh-lease! Next, the moon will invest in Ethereum! 🪙🌕
Acting FDIC Chair Travis Hill, a man who has waxed poetic about tokenization with the fervor of a true believer, proclaimed at the Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia’s Fintech Conference (a gathering of modern-day alchemists) that the regulator shall one day bestow upon us guidance for this newfangled tokenized deposit insurance. “A deposit is a deposit,” he declared, as if revealing a profound truth, “whether it dwells in the dusty halls of traditional finance or dances upon the blockchain’s glittering stage.” 🕺✨
“We’re financially sound,” said Arjun Sethi, co-CEO of Kraken, in his best ‘we’ve got this’ tone during a chat with Yahoo Finance last Thursday. “We know how to handle our own risk management. We don’t need to leap into the public abyss.”
According to Pal, the first major change will come from the Treasury General Account (TGA). With the government back in action, TGA spending will resume, steadily injecting liquidity into the markets like a bartender pouring drinks at happy hour. He expects this inflow to continue for several months, providing a much-needed financial hug to the economy.
By 5:00 am, Greenwich mean time, or whenever folks start makin’ coffee, Japan’s Nikkei was down a good 1.73%, sittin’ at 50,392. South Korea? They weren’t farin’ much better, KOSPI droppin’ 3% to 4,045.44. Hong Kong’s Hang Seng took a sip of trouble too, down 1.13% at 26,767. Even Australia’s S&P/ASX, usually a sturdy one, lost 1.44%, endin’ up at 8,627.5. Seems nobody wanted to play today. 😔
On November 13, Kalshi made it official: Coinbase Custody is now the keeper of their USDC reserves. The company says this move will bolster traders’ confidence by ensuring the safety and stability of the funds backing each market. And by “stability,” they mean cold storage, segregated accounts, and those oh-so-precious compliance standards used by the big boys of finance. Talk about playing it safe… 🛡️
Among the merry band of memecoins, PENGU stands as the black sheep of a blackened flock. While DOGE and PEPE prance about with the gaudy grace of carnival clowns, our penguin plummets like a stone in a well of shame. Jesse Peralta’s chart, a modern-day Da Vinci of despair, lays bare the truth: PENGU lies at the bottom of the heap, a fallen prince of the meme realm. One might almost pity the poor creature-if it weren’t so absurdly expensive to own. 🐧💔
In a stunning press release, Bybit has laid bare a list of blockchains that can freeze your funds faster than you can say “decentralization!” Their new study dives into this alarming feature, and spoiler alert: they didn’t find just one or two. Oh no, they uncovered 16 blockchain networks with freezing powers-AND, 19 others that might soon join the “freeze team” in the future. Brrr! ❄️
Once the hackers have their claws in, they don’t stop. Oh no. They apply some pressure, making victims transfer their crypto into scam-controlled wallets faster than a kangaroo on a caffeine high. Poof. All that hard-earned digital wealth? Gone.
